A Beautiful Distraction

2007-01-01T16:14:00.000+10:00

That Time Has Come Around...

So it's that time of year when people start making "year-in-review" reviews, resolutions, lists of best and worsts, and this could go on and on.

But for me, this is the one chance I get to share my present with the world.

You'll see it here.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! May this new year be a good, if not, better one for all!

I hope you are all safe. To my Pari, Dzer, since you started your new year's already, happy belated, che'lu!

2006-12-26T09:15:00.000+10:00

Merry Christmas Everyone...

I have a surprise. I'll let Zoo tell you on his blog...

It was a beautiful and blessed Christmas for me.

I hope yours was filled with love, laughs, and memories.

P.S. I watched a Sonics game!!! I'm going snowboarding this weekend! I got an awesome present! Check Zoo's blog for more info!

2006-11-01T09:45:00.000+10:00

Happy Halloween Everyone!

I now work on Pacific Northwest time so everyone back home already had their sweet horrific fun last night!

I just noticed that it's been over a year since I've had this blog up and running, granted I've sssssslllllllooooooooooooowwwwweeeeeeeeddddddd down...

I'm ok with that.

Zoo started up another blog - it still has his great articulation of thoughts but with a twist of real people involved...yeah, pictures of us and the kids. I'm not yet linking even though some of you already know it exists. (:

I volunteer on Wednesdays @ Busy Innocence's school, helping Ms. Sparkly Slipper with the Math center. We've gone to the pumpkin patch (as a family and on a field trip) and done the pumpkin carving session. We experienced the first frost yesterday. It was beautiful because I'd never seen anything like it before.

We're planning on redecorating the casa. Getting new couches, dining room set, new beds, sheets, new dresser, and a whole bunch of other BRAND NEW SMELLING things...I'm excited.

I already won the heart of Lil Aloof (Ruff Rider #4), but the other day...

Ruff Rider #1 (the eldest) called me mom. It was a warm humbling feeling, to say the least. She's a lot more giving with her 'I love yous' now! The bonus: I get hugs, too! The other day, during dinner, Zoo mentioned his thoughts on how the kids perceive us. He thinks they think we're good parents.

"Why, Zoo, I never doubted that for a moment."

It's been going on four months now since I've relocated. I've found love, a deeply respected friendship and open arms never pushing me away. It's an amazing feeling.

Do I ever cry? Sure, I've done my share of those. But the tears never roll far down my cheeks before his fingers catch them and kiss them away.

Do the kids drive me wacko? Only on Tuesdays and Fridays! Other than that, I think I drive THEM up the walls.

So I've kept to my once a month writing fulfillment (a small goal I made for my writing self). I thought I would have all the will and time to write since I'm home a lot more than usual, but that's just not the case.

Be safe tonight and enjoy. Write ya next month!

2006-09-07T06:13:00.000+10:00

SHORT UPDATE

Back home, at this time of the year, school is in full swing. By now, we've already had our Open House and I'm getting to know all the new kids. I'm getting teachers coming up to me asking for help and me telling them to give the kids a chance - it's the beginning of the year! My , right about now, is already asking me to head some project/task clearly out of my job description and knowing me, I say I'll do it.

Nowadays, I'm on the other side. I'm buying school supplies for Kinder and 2nd grade, scurrying from one store to another, LOVING coupons and sales even more, shopping for clothes, hunting for a Size 1 pair of Heelys, fighting traffic, driving faster, and getting ready to be on the other side of the desk. I think I'm the kind of parent teachers either fear or love. Fear, because I know the game. The system. I know my child's rights. I know what questions to ask. I know the standards, expectations, NCLB talk. Love, because I empathize. I'm familiar. We have common ground. I know what teachers need for support and help. I know what I need to do to help them with my son's growth. I know what questions to ask.(: I'm willing and active.

Busy Innocence starts kindergarten tomorrow. We met his teacher yesterday and her assessment of him made me smile. She told me he's already advanced for his grade (Ego: "Tell me something I DON'T know"). She thanked me for helping him.

Hey, lady, I know what to do, ok?

**That was the EGO again.

When she asked him to count to 10, he quickly replied, "I can count to 100." She asked him to do so. (Ego: "Are you doubting my son?") After 50, she said she was convinced. (:

I already think his teacher (Ms. Sparkly Slipper) is awesome. As usual, we went over our slotted conference time. Twenty minutes is just not enough time! We just kept going on and on about education. When I tried to stop her because I noticed there were parents waiting outside, she was like, 'Oh, don't worry, that's why I put crayons out.' Ha ha ha... And apparently she had the heads up about "our family." The registrar told her, 'Oh, Ms. Sparkly Slipper, you're gonna love Busy Innocence's family. His mom was a teacher and a counselor. They are such a treat to meet.' Crap, there went my cover. I didn't want to expose myself just yet. So as far as I can tell, his teacher has got Kindergarten all set. She taught at the neighboring school and since Busy's school is NEW, she wanted to try it out. I think we'll make a great team. And I think I'm more excited than my son.

I'm ready to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. There are days when I will be alone, and then there are days when I will be hanging out with Lil Aloof. He's fun. I currently have my baby brother's truck to use (he specifically stated I was not to go off-roading so looks like the truck will be clean for a long time) and I'm happy about that. I'm ready to take on this world now.

Back track: we went to the Packwood Flea Market (READ: a huge block-sized flea market in the middle of nowhere) over the weekend and had it not been like my island weather, I would have had a blast. It was just toooooooo hot and I noticed the kids weren't too thrilled because, really, IT WAS TOO HOT.

My lowering kit for my bike still isn't in so, riding is non-existent.

I get to vote out here. I get to mail it in or stick it in a drop box. I've never voted like that before. It's new for me.

In my quest for school supplies, I got lost. BUT, I was able to back track and find my way through. Was I scared? No. Funny, now I know the next town better than I know my own. (:

Sorry I know this post wasn't much, but I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.

2006-08-22T07:24:00.000+10:00

Today should be a beautiful day...

I should celebrate. In fact, I should celebrate EVERY day.

Now I realize I'm just thankful for today.

2006-08-04T08:46:00.000+10:00

I AM STILL HERE...SOMEWHERE...

I've been ill. I've been hospitalized. I've been a barrel of laughs.

But I haven't been riding. Ugh.

Yes, if you don't already know, that's my bike. I just bought it but have yet to ride because of my health. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor next week and as soon as I get the green light, I'm hoppin' on my GS500F and catching some bugs in between my teeth!

2006-07-21T05:56:00.000+10:00

He Is So Proud

Here's a conversation I overheard when Diggity and Busy Innocence were at the dining table and I was walking down the stairway:

Busy (my 5 yr. old son): When my mom and Zoo get married, Zoo's gonna be my dad and you know, Zoo calls me 'his boy' sometimes.

Diggity (Zoo's 7 yr. old son): Yeah, I'm his boy too.

Busy: Yeah, me too.

Diggity: Yeah, but you have to have a nickname. See like me. I'm Diggity.

Busy: Zoo named me Motor.

Diggity: Motor? Motor? That's funny. That's like motorcycle.

At that point, both boys started laughing. Of course they've got their moments. One minute they're the best of friends, next thing you know they're both irritated. But I think they're a balance to each other. Other than being loud together, they have very different demeanors. Diggity's the kinda kid you like hanging out with cause he's just too cool like that. My son, ha, is the one you don't want your kids bringing home to share popsicles with. He will talk your ear off, ask A LOT of WHY questions and will be the first to pout & shout when he's frustrated. But I can't get over the fact that he was so proud of being called Zoo's "my boy". He's a different kid everyday!!!!

2006-07-08T11:36:00.000+10:00

So I Had a Bad Day

He walked in the door and immediately Busy Innocence tells Zoo he got an “owwwie”. I stood at the door and kissed my Zoo after a long hard days work. I moved in to ask him how his day went, wondering what that lingering scent was that was so familiar.

He stood there, laptop bag slung over his shoulder, and pulled from behind his back three beautiful star gazer lilies (my favorites). He said, “When I saw them, I thought of you.”

“I kinda felt like a kid because I took ‘em from someone’s yard.”

In his hand was a wet napkin holding the lilies, torn at the stems. My smile lingered in the air as happily as the scent surrounded the stairway. I hugged him. And in his arms, my heart smiled. This is, again, why I love this man.

“They’re beautiful. Thank you love.”

“I hope they make you feel better.”

Yes, my love, they do. Then again, it’s the fact that you thought of it and gave them which makes me feel better. I’ve been feeling out of the element these past few days and I just attribute it to adjusting to new surroundings. Zoo had asked me last night what he needed to do to make me feel better. Honestly, I couldn’t think of anything because I had it all in my mind that it was just about me and the transitioning. But my love went out of the way to make me feel better.

And he delivered. Then again, it’s the Zoo we’re talking about - it’s in his nature to deliver.

***Side note: And to top it off, he spent ten minutes as I typed this, putting Band-Aids on Busy, while showing genuine concern for his “owwwie”. I love this man.***

2006-07-03T22:24:00.000+10:00

WASHINGTON WILL NOT BE THE SAME!

I have arrived...and damn it if it isn't the best feeling ever!

My apologies to my Pare'. I know we were supposed to meet for coffee before I left but NO ONE told me that relocating was THIS MUCH OF A JOURNEY! When I come back, we WILL have coffee. The plus is: I NOW HAVE WIRELESS ACCESS. Yay!

And for those of you I left out of the loop (my friend Manda), yes I did move.

I left my little island to be with Zoo. (:

So we're celebrating the Fourth of July early.....(:

I will be back to blogging soon. For now, I'm just enjoying the Zoo.

2006-06-12T09:53:00.000+10:00

#21...3 weeks people!!!

I will miss my culture.

Now I know that being away from my Guahan doesn't mean I won't get the feel of home. I'm pretty sure Washington has its share of my culture. No doubt, I know I'll be around my fellow islanders. It's funny how Zoo & I go back and forth about this. He's envisioning my dragging him to every Chamorro party within a 500 mile radius...not necessarily so - it's just within a 200 mile radius. Truth be told, I know I will want to surround myself around those "like me", but I also realize that there is more out there than just my islanders. I look forward to the exposure of other cultures and ways of life.

Zoo thinks I'm a social butterfly. No, not at first. I have to be in my element; get a feel for the atmosphere. If there's a party going on, I usually work my way around the back kitchen. Help out my mother-in-law. THEN, I can relax, unwind, and "see who I know". Zoo thinks I know more Chamorros over there than he does, and he's lived in Washington for most his life. Funny thing is, whenever he mentions "So and so", I have no clue. But deep down, I think he's right. I think I may know a little more Chamorros than he does. I just don't tell him outright. Wait, now, I think I just did. (:

2006-06-11T09:53:00.000+10:00

#22

I will miss the fiestas.

As I've mentioned before, I haven't live long enough elsewhere to compare my Guahan to anything. But from what I've experienced, no one place can party and fiesta like our island can. Here's a bit of Guahan history (Dzer please feel free to add in). Because of a strong Catholic influence on our island, each village pretty much has a patron saint. Certain times of the year, the celebration and honoring of that patron saint "allows" us to party. This is when the village has a Mass and then individual homes within that village throw feasts. In some villages, you can literally walk from home to home to eat. Music is played throughout the entire village, and games and rides are provided at the nearby community center. There are parades filled with marching units, floats, Kings and Queens. It is an all out event. All in one Sunday.

The fiestas I will miss the most? The villages of Inarajan and Talofofo.

2006-06-10T09:53:00.000+10:00

#23...

I will miss all the expensive pricing Guahan stores put on their goods.

Hell even Kmart here is highway robbery! No, but really, the cost of living on my Guahan is high. Although I make about $42,800 a year, I hardly make enough to enjoy a lot of the good stuff. Paying rent, having loans, paying utilities, raising a child, and at one time paying for Graduate school made me pinch every penny. Because of that, I've learned to save. I had no handouts, no "borrow here, borrow there". I made it on my own. Did I live comfortably? Yes. My son never went without. But that meant that I had to live without. Then again, most of the things I lived without were WANTS and not NEEDS.

Now I know when I get to WA, things will pretty much be the same. But you get no complaints from me. Life, I know, will be good.

2006-06-09T09:53:00.000+10:00

#24...

I will miss my morning commute.

It takes me about 35 minutes to get from where I live to where I work. I will miss a particular turn on the way. It's a sneaky left turn that exposes the bay below and the expanse of the ocean. I often see the sun there or the occasional rainbow. In that spot I find rain clouds or rain pouring endlessly on a patch of the ocean, steadily making its way to the river I will soon cross over on the bridge.

I will miss listening to the early morning DJs. I listen to all of them on my way to work, but I often get stuck on KSTO because the DJ there plays the 70s & the 80s. My kinda morning music...

2006-06-08T11:41:00.000+10:00

What I Will Miss Most About Guahan...#25

If you haven't quite noticed, I've been posting what I'll miss about my Guahan. I'm counting down the days until I leave. It's kinda like what I did when I was on my way to see Zoo again. Without it sounding bittersweet, I know I will miss the island. It's all I've ever known. This island is so much a part of me I don't think any other place could replace it.

In the same breath, I look forward to my life with Zoo. I look forward to discovering what lies ahead. Zoo and I both agreed we make a great team. I think it's because of this I won't feel as homesick. He's been extremely supportive of my move and still allows me to be me (I think he knows what I mean by that, right, baby?).

I am going to miss my co-workers. Some of the people still here at school were working when I was a student. That was almost 25-30 years ago! I have worked with all kinds of creatures. Loud ones, self-righteous ones, hilarious ones, feeble ones, creative ones, bold ones, daring and adventurous ones, dedicated ones and still most of them are the devoted and tireless.

I will miss working. Working with others. Working with kids. Working myself to the bone.

2006-06-07T09:53:00.000+10:00

#26...

I will miss the students.

We had the promotional ceremony for our 5th grade students at the Hilton Hotel and it was such a heartfelt ceremony. We had a good time and our kids were thrilled.

2006-06-06T12:53:00.000+10:00

Nothing beats...#27

I will miss being able to sit in a back kitchen with friends and family and reminisce on old times.

Being able to just drop by, unannounced, to a friend's home and kick it, listening to old school as the boys hurrily throw down a couple of steaks on the grill is unquestionably one of my fondest memories of my Guahan.

In a moment's notice, a few friends will round up and head on over to kick back and do one thing...break out the guitar and vocals for some pure, unaltered homegrown lyrical stylins. No one ever forgets to fill the cooler, either.

Maybe no one will understand, but I treasure the bonds of friendship I've created just by surrounding myself with people who are real, genuine and in their truest element. I've made some of the most heartwarming memories and have learned some of the greatest lessons of life just by sitting in someone's back kitchen.

2006-06-05T09:30:00.000+10:00

Nothing Beats...

So in exactly 4 weeks I will be back at "home". In 28 days, I get to be back with Zoo. This time it's for good. It will be a big move, for me. In all ways. But then again, assimilating has always been my strong suit (ha, I think).

I've never stayed in any other place long enough to call it home. My island will always be home to me. For me, there is truly, no other place like it. And although I don't have the franchise on that, I can go all in and say, in my mind, no place else truly compares. Yes, this small place of comfort will have its downs, but my island will always be with me. Nothing beats the things Guahan has made for me.

I will miss the warm breezes.

You get that here every day. Even on the rainy ones. There's something about a soft, gentle warm breeze that can get you to think. Appreciate. That will be one of the first things I will miss about Guahan. Undoubtedly.

I think if Washington has its warm breezes, it belongs to Washington. I don't think the feeling will be quite the same as when the breeze at the beach tosses my hair around and wisps of soft strands of hair form around my face.

Or when the soft wind flows and sets a dry brown leaf on a journey across the cracked pavement. I will miss Guahan blowing through my mind. Watering my eyes.

Yes, I will miss the warm breezes.

***Side note: Zoo & the Rockstars are currently hanging out with Busy Innocence & my Mom! Yay! I'm nervous, excited, happy...FILL IN THE BLANK!***

2006-05-25T07:42:00.000+10:00

...he tells me I'm his ONCE in a lifetime...

2006-05-16T12:30:00.000+10:00

Pashandu...

It's funny how I rarely traveled when I was married. As soon as I was free, I flew. And it seems that since I'll be relocating to the Pacific Northwest, I now have more reasons to jump on a plane. Or maybe not. Take for instance my dad and his family. They, as some of you know, live in the beautiful city of Las Vegas. I was just there about 6 months ago. Now that Daddy knows his little girl will be on the same land mass as he, he believes I'll be able to travel - or he travel on over to our parts. It sounds like before the year is through, we'll be heading down to the Sin City.

He's also hoping we (our entire Wonderful Zoo) will all travel to great ole Midland, after I get to Washington. If you've never been, Midland is in Texas, home of George Bush. Island Delight lives there and she promises to take us down to Mexico if we ever visit her. I like Midland. Let's just leave it at that. But I really don't think we can do the trip. My cousins who live in San Antonio expect me to come back again - this time, with my whole troop!

My Uncle who lives in Sacramento wants to come and visit as soon as I settle in. Oh boy!

My co-worker will be living in San Diego come June, and her husband will be away on ship for three months so she's wanting to head up to spend her birthday with me in August. Am I lucky?!?!

My first cousin Foo and his fiancee have decided to get married in November...in Hawai'i...the day before Thanksgiving. Ugh. Another first cousin, the Forever Bachelor, is finally tying the knot in December. He's marrying the Magalahi's daughter and we're all looking forward to the Bachelor Party! I'M KIDDING...

I was looking up all the flight info. earlier and I just could not believe it. I think I'll just settle on the fact that I have to either win the lottery, run some quick scam, rob a bank, or marry a sugar daddy to get all this flying done. Then there's the fact that our kids will be in school and Zoo just can't easily run away from his job like GovGuam workers can (that was a joke).

Ai the traveling...as we say on my rock, "We love to measure the road and go Paseo." In other words, 'pashandu'.

2006-05-12T09:10:00.000+10:00

I'm Coming Up for Air...

I've been tied up these past two weeks, what with school testing and all. I've started looking in to resigning from my job and the tedious process involved in leaving the government. I suffer from a condition that doesn't allow me to be on my toes for long periods of time. Temporary Housing, Inc. is putting a strain on my brain (I'm just lucky they'll be on vacation in about 2 wks.. (: yeah). My car's starting to make a funny noise out of the front right side (I can hear $$$$). I've been bogged down with deadlines, guidelines, panty lines....

BUT I CAN'T WAIT FOR JUNE 9th...SUMMER BEGINS!

..and of course, I leave in July for EVERgreen-er pastures...

2006-04-24T14:30:00.000+10:00

6 Things No One Knows About Me...

**Thought: That wouldn't be fair in the end because the six things people don't know about me will now be 6 NEW things people know about me...Hmmmm?!?! But since I've been tagged by the lovely, Ms. Vixen, I will comply. I'm not one to leave a fellow blogger hanging. **Side note: Hey Ms. Vixen, maybe you should join us over here on Blogger...

Couldn't really tell ya what those six things are right off the top of my head. I'd really have to go back and think what I'd like for people to know.

Here goes nothing.

1. I've been in abusive relationships - emotionally, verbally and physically.

2. After my divorce, I've learned to be complacent, aloof, smug, and indifferent. All the qualities I DON'T like.

3. I often feel like changing my "religion", but don't know to what, when or why I'm still what I am.

4. I'm afraid I can never ever love the way I once thought love should be/feel like. I've been hurt too many times that I some times think a part of me has died off completely. Sucks.

5. The simplest things in life melt my heart and leave a lasting warmth: a stranger's smile, watching 2 lovers embrace, seeing a child cry, watching an elderly person walk or do something, flowers, seeing a little boy act like a gentleman, seeing/hearing/feeling something for the very first time, listening to music, noticing my son's smiles, listening to him sing, and listening to him laugh.

6. I'm afraid to fail...again.

So there you have it folks. A tiny peek into the enigmatic life which is mine. Ya, I know it wasn't much. Blah blah blah blah blah. I did it. It didn't say to be specific. Hey, at least I was being honest. Thank you Ms. Vixen for allowing me to be a part of this. It was good for me.

The WonderGirl

2006-04-21T14:15:00.000+10:00

See What Cartoons Do to You?

I completely forgot that I was once Barney Rubble for a show. It was back in the summer of 1991. I had just graduated from high school and a friend of mine asked if I wanted to make some money. Ha, in my book that meant just about doing anything!!! She told me how much I would make and I thought to myself, 'How lame can these people be to want to pay me THAT MUCH MONEY to wear a Barney Rubble costume, dance for kids, and act funny!?!?'

I jumped at the chance. Come on now, these kids wouldn't know who was underneath it all. What a piece of cake!

WRONG!

I dressed up in that hot ass huge costume and the kids just ran me over. I never suspected that it would take great patience and grace on ANYONE'S part to pull that feat off.

Try dancing a simple basic routine inside a 100 lb. smelly costume. I think the thing weighed more than me...yeah, when I graduated from COLLEGE, I was only 110 lbs. Geez, those were the days. I digress...

In what was considered a "cool" costume, was a small (read: MINISCULE) trace of approved ventilation through Barney's eyes. Ugh! I guess that's why the skits were only 15 mins. tops!! I was always tired and drained after only being in that costume for 15 minutes. Not to mention drenched in my own sweat. I wore a tank top and a pair of tights underneath the costume because although these things were DRY CLEANED (yeah, from the wicked stench of prior users I could tell this costume was DRY CLEANED) for some reason the costumes felt/smelled/hinted of pppppeeeeewwwww.

We did 2 shows a day for one weekend! That was enough for me. Of course, Fred Flintstone was there. Butterball took that one. Funny, there were two other characters (one was a dinosaur, and the other I can't remember) but I still remember the other two women who were also working with me. One (the girl who asked me to do it) went on to be a stripper, temporarily, among other things. She's somewhere in Cali now, and the other woman teaches at our local university. Every time I see her I think about her Evian face moisturizing spritzers.

I know I have pictures laying around somewhere about this grand weekend. I think once I find said evidence, I will scan them and post...

Then again, I don't think you could pay me enough. (:

2006-04-20T08:15:00.000+10:00

WHO OWNS IT?

My smile today belongs to Diggity.

Why?

We were talking on the phone today when Zoo told him to tell me that he was giving Zoo a kiss.

Diggity instead says,

"I'm giving my dad plastic surgery."

Zoo didn't think that was funny. Diggity and I thought it was.

I was laughing up a storm....

2006-04-18T14:02:00.000+10:00

Yesterday...

There we were, huffing and puffing, beaming, laughing and on the floor, rolling. I had just finished a dance routine with my 19-year-old cousin, the Nanners. Nanners was, of course, the great choreographer of our impromptu (which I should let on now that you should NEVER have Nanners come up with your routine cause she’ll kill you with moves your body knows it could never do) but it got Bong to laugh uncontrollably and jet her way to the bathroom.

We were in the middle of my aunt’s living room and there I was doing tradeMARK SKIP (yeah, Dz, those dancers) moves from back in the day. Here where I live, the SKIP group is a great dancing school that produces inspiring and awesome dancers. Some of them even go off to dance with Mikhail Baryshnikov. Seriously. Dancing with my little (wait, I meant younger – whoooh) cousin was hilarious! It brought back many memories of my younger years of dancing hula. Yeah, that was long, long ago in a world so far, far away.

Nanners, Bong, Butterball, Foo, Moochacho and I all danced when we were younger. Well, rather, when Butterball and I were younger (the other 4 are still in their ‘teens and 20s). Butterball and I started with traditional hula dancing, back in the 80s. Our Uncle was dating a Hawai’ian woman at the time, and she encouraged us to learn under one of the first Hawai’ian native dancers on island. Her name was Genelle, but we all knew Genelle was not a her. Side notes: In my early days I was exposed to MANY transvestites. MANY. Also, my mom’s father loved to ballroom dance. He was gifted. I loved watching my grandparents. It was beautiful.

So, I danced for awhile. Then I got picked up for the Gifted and Talented Program so Mom made me choose. I went with the school thing…

I don’t know where I’d be if I kept up dancing. Actually, come to think of it, I do know. I know I would have gotten to travel (as witnessed by all the beautiful places my cousins have been) and I would have met many people. While my ex and I were in the separation process, my stepson joined a cultural dance group and he was truly good at it. I went to most of his shows (when I was “allowed” to go), encouraged him, gave pointers, and I saw just how much he enjoyed it. So I also know I would have gotten my son in to it (hey, he LOVES singing AND dancing, so it’s no surprise he wants to do what his Uncle Foo and Uncle Moochacho once did). Eventually, I would’ve passed on the dancing tradition and been a part of a major cultural shift. I know I would have been proud to be a part of a particular group.

To this day, the dancing does continues in my family. Bong has since gone back into dancing and is now one of the extremely talented dancers of a well known hotel dance troupe. As a matter of fact, we were in Bong’s room one night, again, reminiscing when Bong and Nanners got up and started the “otea”. Gosh, these girls could still sway their hips so effortlessly and with such vigor!!! I, on the otherhand, was in pain after trying to keep up with them. We all fell, laughing (mostly at me) at how I was soooo out of it. These girls keep me young, I swear!

I’m hoping to go back to dancing soon, or rather, someday. Four years ago, a man asked me if I was once a dancer. Surprised, I asked him how he could tell. He mentioned something about the way my body moved and I realized that he was talking about exotic dancing….whoa, ssssssoooooo not what I was thinking!

2006-04-12T10:01:00.000+10:00

In Central Perk...

I'm sitting in Central Perk Cafe (my rendition of our Blue Bottle) having an Almond Roca Mocha in your honor Zoo.

I've got wireless connection (yes!!!!) and I'm enjoying the ambiance.

I am back online-gonna get to it because I've got a lot of blogging to do! I'll be here for the next few days because I'm on Spring Break (yes!!!!!!!!!) so I told them I'd inhibit their space here at Central Perk for awhile (kinda like what Zoo and I did while I was up in Washington)...

ah, memories...

So, I'm going to dig into my turkey sandwich and have some corn chowder...

See you all when I'm full and well caught up!

Esta~

Si Oh So Wonderful

2006-04-03T10:53:00.000+10:00

Words To Live By...

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes.

~Charles Swindoll

2006-04-03T09:53:00.000+10:00

For the Man Who Still Melts My Heart

..the Coco to My Nut..

Happy 33rd Birthday My Love!

Here's wishing you another year of new beginnings, new findings, and new journeys.

May this year be the start of more dreams, more laughs,

more memories, and more full circles.

I can never say it enough, but every woman should feel the way you make me feel...

In All Ways,

Your Baby Girl

2006-03-28T09:53:00.000+10:00

Happy 56th Birthday Mom!

We love you! Enjoy your blessed day!

May we enjoy many more years, memories and laughs to come...

With All Our Love, Thoughts & Prayers,

Oh So Wonderful & Co.

Red Ranger (away in Iraq)

Busy Innocence

Sunkist & Co.

Colorado Spring Roll

and the rest of the bunches of oates....

2006-03-27T09:53:00.000+10:00

Always and Forever: Is it Assured?

Here’s the Scenario:

A girlfriend of mine, Paige, and I were having dinner recently at this great restaurant. Paige recently got engaged to a not-so-great guy named Mike. So, our conversation over dinner stayed around the topic of FOREVER. Love being forever. She and I have been friends since middle school so, we’ve been tight since.

She was reminiscing back on how she knew she was in love with Mike.

“When he said that I was the only one for him, that’s when I knew, OSW. I just knew it. He said I would always be the woman for him and I believed him. At that point I knew we were destined to be together FOREVER.”

Knowing I should have played devil’s advocate BEFORE the engagement, I tried to figure out where this was all going. So, I prodded…

“Wow Paige, that’s pretty strong. I mean, I don’t doubt his love for you, but it seems you really do believe that he’ll still love you even 15 years down the road. Don’t get me wrong, I believed it too when FOC said that to me, but look where I’m at now.”

Instantly, it drew a reaction.

“Well, I know I’m good to him. I have all the qualities he wants in a woman. He says so. I know our marriage will last forever.”

My reaction, “But of course Paige, no one goes into a marriage thinking they’re going to get a divorce. Do you think I did? I know I’m always going to be the best woman for FOC and I know I have all the qualities he will ever want in a woman, friend, wife and partner. But where am I now? Not with him. And that’s by choice now. But what I’m trying to say here is how do you know he’s going to love you FOREVER?”

“I feel it.”

“You feel that he’s going to love you forever, or you’re trying to convince yourself he’ll love you forever? Crap, I feel for lots of things. Doesn’t mean it’ll happen.”

“I trust him. I believe him when he tells me he’ll take care of me and the family we’ll make. I’ve been down this road before…not trusting guys, and I’m just happy that I’ve found someone who I can trust. Why? Is this what it’s about? Did you agree to have dinner with me so you can tell me something about Mike?”

“Wait, Paige, where was the trust? No, I don’t know if Mike’s done anything. But anyway, how do you know that somewhere down the line, his love for you won’t change – even though you had nothing to do with it? Even if the change was not sparked by you. Wait, how does HE know his heart won’t change. Can he guarantee that?”

“Yes, he says he’ll ALWAYS love me.”

“I know he says that Paige. I say that to Zoo. I’m ALWAYS going to love my Zoo. He will ALWAYS be a part of me. But what if one day, Mike’s love means a different thing. Yes, he’s ALWAYS going to love you…just not the way he once did. What then?”

“Well, you tell me. You love Zoo. He’ll ALWAYS be a part of you.”

“Yes, Zoo will ALWAYS be a part of me. He ALWAYS was. He FOREVER will be. But when I talk about love with him, I tend to leave out the FOREVER more bit. It’s rare that I say it. I’ve become too attached to definites. I can only control my here and now. I can only control what I feel today…at this moment. God may put something in my future that may not allow me to love Zoo the way I was meant to love him. It’s scary. I mean, everyone goes into a meaningful relationship with FOREVER in mind. As much as we want to believe our love will be FOREVER, you never know what lurks around the corner. And that’s why I question why Mike would tell you, without a doubt, that he will love you FOREVER. Call it me being the bitch, but I’m a friend who’s been on the other side of I’ll-love-you-forever road, and the ride was NOT what I had in mind.”

Her response, “So what do you do then? How can you love Zoo knowing all this? Doubting what he feels? Wow do you guys talk about this stuff? You need to tell him this stuff, girl.”

“Yes, Paige…uh, hello? Do you not think we don’t talk about things like this? And no, I don’t doubt his love for me.”

“That’s what it sounds like.”

“Just because I want to be realistic, doesn’t make me a doubter.”

“Doubter. You’re pissing all over it.”

“Seriously, I trust that God will keep us together, no doubt. But in today’s world, or at least in mine, I’ve tried twice…you know this Paige, and both times I got screwed. Did I ask for any of it? No. Do you think I wanted life to turn out the way it did? No. But I look at it and say, hey, had it not been for those screw ups, I wouldn’t be with Zoo now. And I would not have known what it is truly like to be loved and appreciated.”

“So why don’t you say the same for me and Mike? Aren’t you happy that I’m happy? Isn’t that what counts?”

“Yes, absolutely. But answer me this, can you see yourself loving Mike FOREVER?”

“Yes, I can. I don’t have any hesitations, reservations, doubts (as she laughs) or qualms about it.”

“Alright, so when he doesn’t break the news to you that he’s screwing his secretary, and you find out from your sister who saw them making out in his car, then remind me again when we’re sitting at Rotary that you’ll love him forever.”

Help a girl out here. Paige and I both feel the same about love. It SHOULD last forever. When you become emotionally and intimately attached with someone, it should be lasting. It should work out the way it does in fairy tales. Good people or bad people. Everyone should be loved. But when you are promised something, should you willingly believe it? If you are promised to be loved, should you be entitled to believing that that one person will love you for all eternity? Until your last breath? Always? Forever?

What do you think?

2006-03-23T11:30:00.000+10:00

From the Mouths of Babes

So we're pretty much ready to leave home this morning when my son walks into the carport of Temporary Housing, Inc. He's curiously looking at what Mother's Husband is doing.

*I swear this man has got to be one of the strangest (not strangest looking - at least not yet) creatures to ever walk the face of the earth. I don't know if it's a male thing but I don't see the logic in waking up too too early, getting dressed for an appointment AND THEN, working on your truck and loading up your tool boxes (read: huge, dirty, rusty, metal cabinets altered to fit tools for all contraptions) AFTER YOU HAVE ALREADY TAKEN A SHOWER.... is it me (no, wait, it's NEVER me) but, don't you shower AFTER you have sweated up a storm working on your truck and loading up your tool boxes?!?!?!? Hmmm....theories…postulates.....HELP!

...sorry, sorry, back to the story...

Busy Innocence watches as Mother’s Husband, in his black polo shirt and his This-is-a-Good-Day black (eeewwwww) jeans, pounds away at some metal container large enough for Biggie Smalls (RIP, *shout-out to Zoo) to slap on some 22s and cruise in.

My son proceeds to ask, “Mother’s Husband, what are you doing?’

To which his reply was, “I’m getting this ready so that if anyone pisses me off, I’m just going to throw them in here.”

Without blinking an eye, Busy comes back with, “No, you’re lying…and that’s bad.”

Feeling one-upped, Mother’s Husband retorts with, “I never said I was an angel.”

I have to throw out that earlier this morning Mother’s Husband said something that moved my mom to mention that what he just said was uncalled for (in his defense, I guess somewhere in that warped mind of his, he thought it was appropriate to utter). From there it went downhill (even Antoine Deneriaz couldn’t ski his way down fast enough to win THIS event). He was mumbling under his breath, being sarcastic to everyone (even the innocent 4-year-old and my Grams with Alzheimer’s), pouting and pretty much showing my son the right and proper way to throw a fit.

It was classic.

And it was another shameless act that reaffirmed the idea that…

I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE.

Please pardon the pigeon. I’m still learning how to speak in the native tongue. But this is one, among the many, countless reasons why I would have rather been broke and on my arse than move in with this knucklehead cheeseball.

And the thing that stresses me most (no, it’s not that I live in a 12X13 with all that is precious to me) is that I feel as if I agree with/enable/encourage/condone (pick all four if you’d like) his behavior because I say nothing out of respect for my mom. There are a ton of things wrong with this picture, but right now my paintbrush is dry. I should be grateful/thankful they allowed me to stay with them before we leave, right?

So I’m stuck between my culture and my principles.

And I have a whole ‘nother rant about where my mom fits in all of this, but for now, I’m putting a fork in it.

Thanks for listening.

2006-03-17T11:01:00.000+10:00

See, when you're lost...you stay lost...you go on and on and on and on....

I know I haven't blogged lately. Writing has taken a back seat. I'm currently catching up on everyone else's blogs that I've neglected to add some awe-inspiring words here (ha, I write that as if anything written prior was remotely moving). But I came across this one in just thinking's blog...oh, that woman can touch my soul! So without further ado, I give you...

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.
Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.
At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

It was interesting that I had a similar temperament with the blogger I stole this from. Well, then again, I do admire her words. Interestingly enough, although the questionnaire had only a few questions, I would dare to say it hit the nail on the head.

I've found that in my absence of writing, I've "noticed" things more. I've tucked away little tidbits of experiences into my memory. Whenever I was caught up in a moment, whether it'd be something moving or funny, I made it a point to remember that time. Savor the moment. Embellish the thought. I often found myself saying, 'Ok, OSW, remember this so that you can blog about it.' And although I can't actually remember any one time that I can write about right now, I do recall living in that moment long enough to remember the feeling enabling me to write about it eventually. It's as if I made a conscious effort to live that moment.

That was the good part. Even on the bad days.

...Because it then led to an appreciation of everything I have around me. Everything I have been through. Everything I will see myself getting involved in.

My absence from Blogger gave me greater appreciation for what I have and where I will be soon. I don't want to take anything for granted. At one point exiting Blogger was a constant running thought. I decided that I wasn't going to give in because I started writing for a purpose. Sometimes I think that purpose is yet to be fulfilled. Other times, I see that writing has taken on a new purpose for me.

I guess that's the key.

I should appreciate the notion that writing has brought on new things for me. See, I guess that little temperament survey had me all figured out. Now if I could just figure myself out.

2006-03-16T10:02:00.000+10:00

His Kiss Is Credit in the Bank of Love...

OKAY OKAY OKAY...I know I was waaaaayyyyy off. I am very sorry I haven't been in blogland to play. The update is this:

~ Finally moved out of my apartment. Got rid of all my stuff.

~ Been adjusting to being another year older - yeah I know, that's not really a valid excuse, but hey, if you've tolerated me long enough you should know by now it's not like me to NOT come up with filler.

~ Been transitioning well into Temporary Housing, Inc. - let's just leave it at that. Zoo's got the inside scoop on what HASN'T been happening.

~Got a scare and AM NO LONGER SCARED. Laugh it up, Zoo...

~ Busy at work.

~Having a crazy photo shoot.

~I have no internet service readily available or accessible for my every whim, anymore. I can't just pop Sebastian open and type away...nope. I can't do this at work either. Ugh.

~Finalizing $$$$$ issues so I can get THE THING I've been wanting. And THE THING he's been wanting too.

~Deadlines.

So, I know I've been away. And if it's anything, well, I've missed you guys. I'm back. Ha!!!!

You should have been more careful with what you wished for!!!! (: <---That's for you Sable 'cause my smiles THAT different!!!!!

...and about the title of this post...well, I will write about his kisses soon. So keep reading.

2006-03-16T09:53:00.001+10:00

#23...

I will miss all the expensive pricing Guahan stores put on their goods.

Now I know when I get to WA, things will pretty much be the same. But you get no complaints from me. Life, I know, will be good.

2006-02-22T08:24:00.000+10:00

...RANDOM...

Even monkeys can do what you did...

It's NOT rocket science!

Yes, people laugh at YOUR expense.

You need to say, 'Please', 'thank you', and 'shut your hole, please'. So, that's not being rude.

Girl, don't go away mad..JUST GO AWAY.

It just goes to show the current state of maturity.

How many times am I supposed to come here again?

Can't we all just get along?

Keep it in the playground.

Everyone's going to know just how unstable you are.

Sharing is caring.

If you only knew...

Be a positive role model.

No one's going to waste their time to stoop to your level.

Well, I didn't do something like this since I was 3rd grade. (Ha, child is now in 4th grade)

You are only as strong as your weakest link.

Get a life.

Get over it.

You're not as special as you think you are.

Find something productive to focus all your energy on.

Clueless. Simply clueless.

Now I've wasted 10 minutes of my time that I will never get back, just trying to help you become a better person.

Take it, and rise above it. (This child's mother taught her to deal with it head on! Wow)

LOSER.

..It's funny what you can put together when you have different conversations with other people in a matter of days. I took snippets of different conversations people have had and placed it as my post for today. Take from it what you will. Which ones do you think apply to you, if they did? Please remember, most of my conversations are with educated people or the children we educate. You decide which came from their mouths...

I think it would be interesting to see. You'd be surprised at how insightful some of these kids are. I often have to remind myself to "speak their language" because half the time I'm either talking to the kids and I talk to them as adults. Then again, when I do raise the bar and share with them my expectations, especially in sessions and when we need to interact positively, they, nine times out of ten, meet it. Amazing...

Now the adults on the other hand, well, you know how THOSE go. Our kids are far better at listening, communicating, working together and solving a problem than some of the "adults" I work with - yes, I use the term, "adults" loosely because they simply fail HORRIBLY at maintaining maturity AND professionalism MANY times. It's funny - we have a peer mediation group here at school for our kids - I think we need one for the adults. Seriously. (:

We're supposed to be positive role models for the children we rear (yes, 'cause admit it folks, we are with your children ALL day, day in day out, so I know we have something to do with molding their minds), and yet, many times I feel like keeping the adults in time-out or withholding recess/play time for the very same immature behavior we expect only from our kids.

Oh well...FIDO...

2006-02-16T12:29:00.000+10:00

Starting early...seeing growth...still, learning every day

I found this while sifting through my computer at work. I know it's only February, but I'm starting to clean out and getting everything in order for when I leave. As I was sitting at my desk, looking around me, I noticed that a lot of things around me have helped shaped me into the counselor that I am here at my school. I went to school here as a child, began my teaching career as an educator, and see now the fruits of my labor as a counselor. I look at school photos, artwork done by students, poems given by former students and pictures of the ones I love. I look at all the beautiful Anne Geddes items (my theme) filled on my walls, on my bookshelf, on my desk, and through these, see how much I'll miss in the school I called home for a big chunk of my life. These walls have so much history. Many tears, many joys, many successes.

So in cleaning out, I stumbled on this. I don't know who gave this to me, but I remember getting this back when I first started teaching. My first year was in a fifth grade class and man, did they give me a run for my money. It was also a time when love was hard. It's strange now, how love is no longer hard, and I end up giving my job a run for its money! So this is for the women who read my blog. Men, if you know of a woman who needs this, send it to her.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

…one old love
she can imagine
going back to…
and one who reminds
her how far she
has come…

…enough
money within her
control to move out
and rent a place
of her own even if
she never wants
to or needs to…

…something
perfect to wear if
the employer or
date of her dreams
wants to see her
in an hour…

…a youth
she’s content
to leave behind…

…a past juicy
enough that she’s
looking forward
to retelling it
in her old age…

…a set of
screwdrivers,
a cordless drill,
and a black
lace bra…

…one friend who
always makes her
laugh…and one
who lets her cry…

…a good piece of
furniture
not previously
owned by anyone
else in
her family…

…eight
matching plates,
wine glasses with
stems, and a
recipe for a
a meal that
would make her
guests feel honored…

…a feeling of
control over
her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

..how to fall
in love without
losing herself…

…how to quit
a job, break up
with a lover,
and confront
a friend without
ruining the friendship…

…when to
try harder…and
when to walk away…

…that she can’t
change the length
of her calves,
the width of her
hips, or the nature
of her parents…

..that her childhood
may not have
been perfect,
but it’s over…

…what she would
and wouldn’t do
for love or more…

…how to live
alone…even
if she doesn’t
like it…

…whom she
can trust, whom
she can’t, and
why she shouldn’t
take it personally…

…where to go,
be it to her
best friend’s
kitchen
table…or a
charming inn in
the woods…when
her soul
needs soothing…

…what she can
and can’t accomplish
in a day…a month…
and a year…

Know that you are all special and exquisite.

2006-02-16T11:29:00.000+10:00

...You're the Reason Why....

I stole this off of Mo's blog. I swear, do people make money off this stuff? If they did, sign me up 'cause with my imagination, I could come up with a dozen of these babies and make a hefty pile.

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone.A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand.
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people
Your flirting style: 100% natural
What turns you off: serious relationship talks
Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

While this type of "me" is news to me, the whole 'multiple dates with multiple people' is NOT me at all (Zoo...don't say it). The 'your flirting style: 100% natural', again, so NOT me (Zoo, did you create this quiz?) and on the contrary, I tend to drain others when we talk serious...I am known to 'test a Saint's patience'.

Although I didn't want to post this, I couldn't resist. I guess it's the withdrawal and the residual effects of not living out my Valentine's Day with Zoo. So, as usual, take the quiz, and give me your heart...

2006-02-14T13:20:00.000+10:00

Reminiscing On Our Last Moment Together

Because Zoo and I are physically apart today, I needed something to keep the feel of his touch with me. So, with his favorite RUN DMC t-shirt on, I took out the journal he gave me on our first Christmas together, and I turned it to the last entry he wrote. It was the last day I was in Washington and we were sitting in SeaTac, sipping on Starbucks concoctions.

He scribbled something and then quickly shut the journal.

This is what he wrote...

We're sitting in the airport as I write this...This is the end of the first chapter. It was the most thrilling time of my life. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend five days...five weeks...five months...five years...five lifetimes with. You are all I hoped you would be. You're the heart and soul of my love. ~Zoo

This is just one reason why I love this man. Today is especially trying for us, for more reasons that I need to mention. He is loving, supportive, comforting, and most of all, understanding of MY needs. He gives me more than I can ever hope for in a best friend. He is the rock on which I stand. He gives me a warm and gentle place to breathe and let go. And amazingly, he ALWAYS comes through for me. Always there when I need him. Only him.

Today is hard on us. Especially today. But knowing him the way I do, he makes it right. He says I made him believe. That I gave him faith. If he only knew...

I know I probably shouldn't have shared a page of our lives from the journal. But it felt right. I love him. And I want the whole world to know it.

Thank you Zoo. Remember, I can go on living my life...it just wouldn't ever mean anything without you. I can't wait for this Summer...

2006-02-14T00:00:00.000+10:00

BECAUSE IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY HERE...

Coco,

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hu Guaiya Hao...

Your d.

2006-02-12T02:02:00.000+10:00

I COULDN'T RESIST...

I had to try this out to see if I could really remember this stuff. Eighth grade was twenty years ago.

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

Now I'm wondering what I got wrong. That bugs me - not knowing. I haven't been in 8th grade since eighth grade so my mind's a bit rusty. Uuuggghhh...

Can someone else please take the test and we'll compare answers. I'm really wondering what it was I missed. Help a girl out...

Thank you. No fair picking on me!

2006-02-10T21:43:00.000+10:00

Revisiting Time

Someone once said to me, 'You hold on to your past too much.' My justification for that is because I need to stand on it to see today and peer out into the horizon to see tomorrow. I can admit that who I am now is largely due to where I was 4 years ago. Had you known me four years ago, believe me, you would have known an entirely different woman. Not a better woman, just a woman who thought she knew it all.

FOC and I were just friends and attended the same school growing up, but soon went in different directions (he was older by three years) after it was time to go on to high school. We met again in 1994, after about ten years of lost contact. We were together for 6 years before we got married. My son was born 2 days before our First Wedding Anniversary. We were newlyweds getting ready to build our two story dream home with the mountains in our backyard and a beautiful view overlooking the ocean, going to college (Him=BA, Me=MA), holding down full-time jobs, raising a rambunctious middle school pre-teen, paying bills with not a lot of benjamins, and caring for a baby. Our lives revolved around family and God and family and more family.

Then about a year-and-a-half into our marriage, my ex-husband was unfaithful.

It was a blow to me and in my devastation, my view of the future was unforseeable as I had come to the realization that my marriage was over. It was truly the most trying time in my life. During our separation, I struggled more with myself than I did with him. My inner conflicts were very real for me. I was torn. Crushed. Oblivious. Embarrassed. Lost. I could not cognitively understand that I would be okay without him. He was all I knew. All I wanted to know. He was MY husband. I made a vow to God and to him that I would be with him for the rest of his life. Or that I would have loved him until the last breath of mine.

It was an arduous process to know that someone you loved deeply, didn't love you in the same way. I remember always wanting the work day to finish so that I could go home and be alone and at the same time when night would come, wishing the morning would come sooner so that I wouldn't be alone at night. I remember the constant tug of emotions when he would show that he wanted us to work and that I couldn't muster enough love to make it work the right way. I remember all the time I wasted and all the misspent energy on "what ifs" and "why", and "if I just did this, then maybe..."

Life back then brought nothing but lefts and rights. Decisions often went from "I don't know" to "Maybe" to "Never mind". I was filled with indignation. Indifference. Sometimes invidious. I was feeling all the in-, un-, mis-, dis-, mal- words you could imagine. I see now that I chose that lot in life. I wanted to bear that burden. Carry that cross. I took all that was negative about love loss and gave it my soul. I lived, breathed, and showered in hurt, self-pity, resentment, misery, anger, selfishness, and spite. Often times I would lie on the floor, in fetal position, and cry for hours while my son lay quietly sleeping in his crib. Of the few times I could gather enough strength to sleep, I would awaken, still on the floor in that same position, to the sounds of him “talking” in his crib.

I gave that man all that power over me. Although we were divorcing, he still had that because I didn’t want to let go of the suffering. As twisted and confused as FOC was about his feelings, I was in a world of lost hope and lack of faith. When I needed spiritual guidance the most, it was the last place I had sought. And to think, we were a family built on our religious beliefs. It was no doubt, a true test of my faith and all that I had claimed to believe. The struggles I put myself in came directly from a lack of desire or will to believe in my faith when it was what I needed most. I turned away from God without even committing myself to what I knelt down to every day. I was ashamed, angered, and disappointed that I had been “let down”. I prayed for all the wrong things. I don’t think it would even be considered “prayer” today. I was that lost.

It seems that I never really knew myself until I had to learn to be on my own. Until I had to do everything ON MY OWN. And I don't mean living in my own apartment, alone. I just had to learn to do EVERYTHING all over again. I had to love, on my own. I had to appreciate, by myself. I had to hurt. I had to live life, by myself. I had to despise life...all on my own. Ultimately, while I was trying to get back on my feet, I saw just how much of myself and my spirit I lost while I was with my ex-husband. So, living was something new to me...again.

Believing was the harder part.

When you’ve hit rock bottom, you had to believe that there was something better. There was pretty much no where else to go. All my irrational beliefs had to change. If I was going to get through this, I had to learn to believe. And I had to have faith in me and in God. I had to trust that I could be brave enough to hope for another day to live. Another chance to enjoy the goodness of life. The struggle was constant though. I didn’t want to give up the sadness. I wanted to punish myself for failing.

My son, though, didn’t allow me to do that. Like an angel sent from God, it was the love I had for my son that made me open my eyes. At one point I thought I made a mistake bringing my son into this world, only for his parents to fail him. Now I think that it was God’s way of helping me through this tough time. He gave me my son to help me get through one of the hardest times in my life. A time when I didn’t believe in myself or in my faith. He gave me my son to help me realize that life will have extremes.

In all things, there is a connection. Between friends, lovers and strangers. There is a connection between your past, your present and your future. From your hurt to your happiness to your self-discovery. From the darkess to the dawn.

2006-02-10T20:29:00.000+10:00

I'M A PISCES...

After reading the posts of a fellow blogger, I decided to get this post out of Drafts and put it out there. I have to warn you, it's quite a read but IT REALLY DOES EXPLAIN THE KIND OF PERSON I AM...

I've wanted to share a little bit about myself and since I can't be objective when describing me ('cause this blog will be filled with all things wonderful therefore ranking me up there with God...or Jessica Alba...or Angelina Jolie...or Diane Lane...or Natalie Wood...or Steve Jobs...or Grace Kelly...or Mother Teresa) I figure I'd go out and seek the information myself (still somewhat subjective because I get to edit what goes on this post, but good fun, nonetheless because I won't be talking about me behind my back). If you're into astrology and horoscopes or just love reading anything, sit back, get comfy and enjoy...

(bear in mind the source of which this information stems is from complete strangers [see, perfect objectivity] who do not receive any monetary compensation from me)

"Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because their easy going, affectionate, submissive natures offer no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters. They accept the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves rather than trying to adapt them to suit themselves, and they patiently wait for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own.

Their natures tend to be too otherworldly for the practical purposes of living in this world as it is. They sometimes exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually (depending on how they are aspected). They long to be recognized as greatly creative. They also dislike discipline and confinement. Any rebellion they make against convention is personal, however, as they often times do not have the energy or motivation to battle against the Establishment.

Pisceans tend to withdraw into a dream world where their qualities can bring mental satisfaction and sometimes, fame and financial reward for they are extremely gifted artistically. They are also versatile and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well, and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres. All these factors can combine to produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art. They may count among their gifts mediumistic qualities which can give them a feeling that their best work comes from outside themselves, "Whispered beyond the misted curtains, screening this world from that." Even when they cannot express themselves creatively, they have a greater than average instinct for, and love of, beauty in art and nature, a catlike appreciation of luxury and pleasure, and a yearning for new sensations and travel to remote, exotic places.

They are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful.

In their employment they are better working either by themselves or in subordinate positions. Their talents are individual in a commercial business or similar undertaking. They would be afraid to manage more than a small department, worrying always that they would fail in a crisis. They can make fair secretaries and bookkeepers. Their sympathy equips them for work in charities catering for the needy, as nurses looking after the sick and as veterinary surgeons caring for animals. As librarians or astronomers they can satisfy their mental wanderlust, and their fondness for "faraway places with strange-sounding names" may turn them into sailors or travellers.

Many architects and lawyers are Pisceans, and when the creative abilities are combined with gifts of imitation and the ability to enter into the feelings of others, Pisceans find their fulfillment on the stage. Their psychic and spiritual qualities can lead them into careers in the church or as mediums and mystics. They may find an outlet for their creativity as caterers, and are said to make good detectives because they can imagine themselves in the place of criminals and understand how their minds would work. In technical occupations they are well employed in dealing with anaesthetics, fluids, gases and plastics. Because of their lively versatility and inability to concentrate overmuch on any one project, Pisceans often simultaneously follow more than one occupation."

And then I found this...

"Pisces are . . . is a difficult sentence to finish. They can be impressed by and completely absorbed into their environment. They are in need of a container which will shape them, guide them. Without this guiding form, this rudder, they tend to drift.

Pisces adapts to their surroundings, good or bad. They are generous, friendly, good natured people with a true sense of kindness and compassion. They are sensitive to everything around them including the feelings of others. They are popular folk because of their easygoing and likable manner, which tends to mirror people they are with. They have an uncanny sense of perceiving what a person is in need of, and delivering it. They are not initiators, but rather allow circumstances and events to motivate them, and then they respond. In this aspect, they tend to focus on other peoples problems rather than their own.

Pisceans are not practical people. They are too ephemeral for normal day to day living in the 9-5 "practical" world. They are sensitive and instinctual rather than intellectual or mechanical. They lack decisiveness and are easily diverted from their purposes. They are apt to live a shiftless sort of life, searching for some career or meaning in which to pour themselves. They discourage easily, and can become despondent, feel unappreciated and move on to something or someone else.

When, however, they do find the right container, they are capable of some incredible deeds. They will become completely absorbed in a chosen path, to the exclusion of everything else. The 'absent minded professor' is a classic Pisces character, such as Albert Einstein. They don't fare well in a controlled or fixed environment and generally rebel against convention. But, unlike the Aquarian, who will fight the establishment, Pisces wages only a personal battle.

Pisceans do best in an environment where they can exercise their imaginations and intuitive nature. They are gifted artistically. They are versatile and tend to understand things by absorption rather than logic. They are receptive to new ideas and circumstances. They possess wonderful creativity which is demonstrated in music, literature, drama and art. They have an acute instinct for, and love of beauty in nature as well as the arts. They appreciate luxury and pleasure, and are ripe for new sensations. When they travel, they prefer remote, exotic places.

Pisceans rarely have an ego problem, and in their personal relationships and friendships tend to be very giving. In matters of the heart, they seek a soul mate rather than a bed mate. That is not to say they will not hop from bed to bed in search of this soul mate. Pisces is a spirit on a quest for Utopia, and Utopia does not exist on this earth. Pisces is easily misled because they want to believe. No matter how often they are led astray by vacant promises, they keep the faith and go on looking for their personal ideal.

They are loyal, home-loving, kind and generous, but their dreamy and impractical natures are a source of distress to those close to them.In the career department, they are better working by themselves than for someone else. Their sympathy equips them for careers in charity, catering to the needy, as a nurse, looking after the sick, or as a veterinarian, caring for animals. They have a love of water, and can be found in work that keeps them near the sea. Pisces creativity includes a natural ability to imitate or mirror another person as well as enter into their feelings. These attributes make them wonderful character actors, and many Pisceans find great fulfillment on stage or in films.

Pisces' sense of others, is an ability that makes them effective in civil service and the legal arena. Many in law enforcement and the judicial system are Pisceans. Their intuitive and spiritual qualities can lead them into careers in religion or to service as mediums and mystics. Still others are creative cooks and chefs. Because of their versatility and plasticity, they often follow several vocations during their lifetime.Pisces faults are generally those of omission, rather than commission. They can be so subtle, sensitive and emotional that they end up being a real drain on ones resources. In business they can be unreliable, idle, careless, impractical and ineffective. The negative side of Pisces is often fickle, a gossip, indiscreet, and gullible. Whether actually sick, or suffering from hypochondria, they are so demanding that they can wear out a saint's patience. When they feel rejected or lonely they may turn to drugs or alcohol for comfort."

In a nutshell, I am...

Imaginative and sensitive

Compassionate and kind

Selfless and unworldly

Intuitive and sympathetic

Escapist and idealistic

Secretive and vague

Weak-willed and easily led

IF YOU SAT AND READ THROUGH ALL THAT - I'M IMPRESSED. IF YOU SCROLLED DOWN JUST TO SEE WHAT WAS AT THE END, WELL THEN, YOU MAY BE A PISCES TOO, BECAUSE THAT IS PROBABLY WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE...EITHER WAY, ONE LESS POST IN MY DRAFTS - YAY! Thanks for being good about it!

OH GOSH, IT IS TIRING BEING ME.

2006-02-08T21:39:00.000+10:00

Don't Mess With Me...

Because I'm in love with a man with SUPERPOWERS (I know, it's cute - I like to let him think he's THAT awesome), I decided to check myself out. Seeing as how he's into super heroes (yeah, he likes the comics and stuff - something very new to me), I figured I might as well see what Super hero I was in a previous lifetime.

Funny thing is, he thinks I was a guy in my past life. My beau has clairvoyant powers and can actually go back in time! I hope he'll be pleased in knowing he gave it good to the GREEN LANTERN...

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern		95%
Iron Man		90%
The Flash		80%
Hulk		70%
Spider-Man		70%
Supergirl		65%
Wonder Woman		65%
Superman		55%
Robin		50%
Catwoman		50%
Batman		50%

Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

Now I'm going to have to check who this IRON MAN is....

2006-02-08T13:45:00.000+10:00

Moving out...the endless complaint of moving in...but loving the moving on...

Well, in preparation for my move to the Pacific Northwest, I decided last month (and well, much to the soft-soaping of my landlord) that I would be moving out of my duplex apartment and taking up invasion space at Casa Madre until Busy & I leave this summer. I have until the end of this month to clear out and have begun the slow process of creating temporary houses built from various brown boxes for all my keepsakes. I've never had a yard sale and seeing as I'm pretty much selling everything I've ever owned, I'm just wondering how much most of my junk will cost.

Ai, digressing...

While I can tolerate living with my mom and her surreptitious (wait, he doesn't deserve that $5 word) husband, (and I use the word tolerate because I AM particular and if they can't keep up with me even under THEIR roof, well then, folks, we have a problem) it's their lifestyle that drains me.

Wait. They don't have an out-of-this-world lifestyle that would leave most displeased or envious. I just don't agree with certain things they do or how they do them. Please note, I love my mom and respect her husband (the Commandments don't say anything about loving your mom's ol' man) but darnaggit, if I don't pull out my hair and arrive at SeaTac bald and unnoticed because of what I'm going to endure during my tropical stay at Temporary Housing, Inc. Now, I say tropical because that's exactly what the entire house feels like, WITHOUT air conditioning. Their ways, practices and beliefs STUN me! How my mom allowed her life to change for this ungrateful, manipulating man has still been one of the universe's unanswered questions! I am baffled beyond belief. Situations that happen in this home and my mom ALLOWING/LETTING/CLOSING-HER-EYES-TO-IT happen, simply makes me sit there, mouth agape. Seriously.

For one, (please allow me to unload here for a bit - thank you) the Being in which the couch consumes on a daily basis, often has little or no regard for my mom or her feelings. What my mom sees in this creature is beyond me AND her siblings' thoughts. His recurrent lack of sensitivity will rival Hoover's top-notched vacuum cleaner on any day...he just sucks the life right outta ya. To his credit, the man loves vacuuming (a 7X10 piece of floor because he doesn't move the furniture) and to my amazement, my mom has taught the boy/man/it that the silver hollow box planted into the kitchen counter, which springs forth water at the command of turning a knob can be used to cleanse heavy white round discs with a little bit of dish liquid AND a lot of elbow grease (although the man understands the word form of "grease", adding the word "elbow" before it quickly diminishes ANY trace of intelligence).

And here's the hair pulling truth...my son thinks this creature a God (or some goth demonic force which possessed my son's mind and through osmosis, embedded a yearning to hang off of every word which comes from said creature's mouth). See what I mean about manipulating? He makes my son THINK he can do anything AND get away with it! Let's just put it this way, I don't "love" the guy because he ONCE (and from there it was GAME ON MUTHAF**KA) he stepped in and tried to over"power" my disciplining of my son. OH HELL NO, YOU DON'T THINK YOU HAVE AN OPINION ON HOW I DISCIPLINE MY SON FOR HITTING SOMEONE...WHEN YOU WANT AN OPINION, I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU. Yup, I gave Mom's Husband a lesson in act-right, and he didn't like it because I told him where to put his opinion IN HIS HOUSE and in front of my family. But I'll be damned if you're going to tell me I can't put my son in time-out for slugging his mother. He told me to leave, I did (without a second thought) and didn't come back until HE called. I knew my son and I wouldn't miss going to visit - but I knew Mr. Madre would miss my son. From there on, I MARKed my territory and told Mr. Madre which boundaries he could cross (only after having said, "Mother may I?" and fetching me a drink).

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I digress....

I loathe the day I finally move into the tiny 12X13 space, but on the other hand, it will be a place I will cherish because the walls will block me from interacting with Mr. Madre. Yes, it's as easy as shutting the door, grinning and bearing it when he gives his take on Walker Texas Ranger, the President, our local issues, or even psychology, for that matter but oh, to tolerate the sounds that come out of this man's mouth (and to his justification, is intelligible thought)! I know I mentioned somewhere in a previous post about how I was going to pour more heart into what I write but I didn't have this (pouring my heart out) in mind. Please don't get me wrong, he need not be here to defend himself because this man is totally unapprised as to my discontent, and actually, cannot even form a defense because he wouldn't know where to start. I know it sounds a bit strong, but my lack of love also stems from the years of watching this man and how he treats my mom. Granted, my dad didn't do better, but it just bothers me to see that my mom settled for a man who doesn't really treat her with the respect I feel she deserves.

I look at my mom sometimes and wonder why she chose to settle for men of this nature. She didn't date much after her divorce, but somehow, when she did, the picks were slim. I know, I know - I sound like the rotten spoiled child who doesn't want anyone near her mom, but really, this isn't the case. I just think my mom deserved better. Is she happy? In her own little way, I guess she is. I remember asking her best friend if she was, only because the thought had consumed me while watching Mom & said Husband interact. I know I will spend countless amounts of wasted minutes in front of the fridge, searching for the water pitcher, SWALLOWING a lot of what's going to happen in the next four months. I'm just glad I will have all the things I need in my little 12X13. A lot of change will take place. But I am already looking forward to the end result of sharing uncomfortable space for four months...

...sharing new space with My Zoo.

Gosh, I never thought moving out would involve so much mental processing...I am drained. Ok, no more packing for me. I'm done. Time to relax...

Have a Tropical Day All!

OSW

2006-02-07T12:28:00.000+10:00

Everyone should have a David Murray...

...and I have mine.

We've talked about Soulmates...you and me.

Soulmates know. They feel. They embrace.

I know. I feel. I embrace.

You.

Endless. You.

2006-02-05T14:35:00.000+10:00

THINGS I'VE HEARD LATELY...In and out of conversations. Things said to me or around me. Things said a month ago. A week ago. Yesterday.

-Mom, I just want to hang out with you.

-You could take it home as a momentum.

-Do you wanna know the kicker of all this? I'm pregnant.

-I was gonna draw a STOP sign that says, "Go fast."

-Just trust me.

-You ALWAYS do that.

-Your friend has issues. She doesn't own you.

-I would never do that to you.

-At where?

-Are you for real?

-You are perfect for me.

-Come on baby, please?

-My mom thinks that smoking leads to other things, so I've tried to cut down. I don't want her to think I do drugs yet.

-Are you going to show that paper to my mom? I don't want to get a whipping.

-My grandma has the mad mean.

-I'm not going anywhere.

-Oooh, you have a boyfriend. Is that your boyfriend? Hello boyfriend.

-He gave me the mad face and so I kicked him in his privates. And her too.

-Congratulations Dad! Through our battery of tests, your son no longer qualifies for Reading services in the Special Education program but he still needs help in Language Arts and Math.

-I'm not letting you go.

-You want to take how many days off?

-That's f**ked up. Someone you actually trusted with your secrets turned on you. That's so not right.

-I say take the risk.

-You sound happy.

-I have a right to know who my son will be living with.

-What about me?

-Girl, you should have at least tried his chili before you bought him that.

-Mom, I did it all by myself.

-Well, baby, I don't know.

-There is no other woman in the world for me...than you.

-I love you like I've loved no other woman. Ever.

-I'll be strong for the both of us.

-Yeah, she's shady. She'd go for the married man just for the excitement.

-I need to talk to him. You two should wait at least 5 years before getting married. Auntie read in a study that waiting two years is a good time before getting married.

-What bad words were they saying? I can't say them. My mom will get upset if I say those words.

-You won't get in trouble. They said it, you didn't. So what did they say when they were arguing?

-Were you the coach?

-Bala balls.

-My alligator.

2006-02-03T09:54:00.000+10:00

I was reminded...

I walked in to the Main Office of our school this morning and noticed a woman standing at the counter waiting to be helped. When I asked her if she needed assistance, I quickly saw that she was one of our former cafeteria employees/helpers assigned to us under a career program. I was happy to see her because I remembered her son who attended our school as a child. He is now a freshman in high school. It was good to see her and we chatted for awhile, but it wasn't until I got into my office that I realized who she really was.

She was the mother who sat in all her son's Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) Meetings but had to have documents explained to her because she could barely read. I remember her admitting early on in our first IEP meeting that she couldn't read well and that her education only went up to seventh grade. I believe she was embarassed to admit this to people she worked with, but at the same time I felt she wanted to know enough so she could help her son. It was hard not to feel for her and so of course, we tried to help her as much as we could. I know we often reassured her that at any time she needed more clarification on something, we would have been more than happy to share it with her.

I remembered this woman because she was a tireless worker in our cafeteria who always greeted the children with a warm demeanor and pleasant smile. It was refreshing to see that a child's day could start well because someone cared enough to mother them as they were fed. She was soft spoken and quiet most of the time.When her contract expired, she left our school and her son went on to middle school. That was about four or five years ago. It's strange to realize that although there was a profound impact in the room the day she admitted she couldn't understand what she was signing, I haven't thought about it since.

It reminded me about the past couple of weeks with Busy Innocence. Since he's been in another class with a different teacher, he is now placed with the responsibility of homework. The first day he got homework, I believe I was more excited than he. I quickly drove home, got him a snack and made him eat, and then pounded the books (actually, it was only a sheet of paper on identifying numerals, but to a 4-year-old kid, it's trigonometry). To my surprise, it was a breeze. The teacher in me wanted to go through each number, but to his insistance it was a tug-of-war between, 'Mom, I already know this' and 'Mom, I already know where 35 is...you're taking too long.'

I was blown away by his reMARK. I wanted to feel what it was like to finally sit down with my son and do HOMEWORK. It's not the same when I made him stuff to do or when he would bring home assignments already done at school and we'd share. This is HOMEWORK....a rite of passage for single mothers of only one child with "education" as an occupation. But somehow, my son, in his innocence, was oblivious to the fact that mommy wanted to share an experience and swim in the thought that my baby was on his way to growing up...academically. I was excited, but my son could not see the joy in wanting to "circle the odd numbers". So I gave in to his need for completing the assignment as quickly as his tiny little fingers could make circles around numbers and checked it when he was done. It was no surprise when I saw that he knew what he was doing and did his work correctly. If he was so insistent on doing it alone, he BETTER have known what he was doing!

Enter last week.

My son and I were sitting on the sofa getting ready to do homework. His assignment was to practice reading. I looked at the 5 sentences made up of 5-6 words per sentence. I'm thinking, 'Hmm, this is going to be a long session. First, I'd have to break down the letters into sounds, combine the sounds, and say the words. Tough. Maybe, we'll only do 5 words tonight.' I'm assuming his teacher wanted us to review nightly and make progress as the days went by. I thought, 'Easy. We'll do this in moderation. I haven't been out of the classroom long enough to forget the basics.' So I told him to get comfortable and then I gave him his worksheet.

He simply said, 'Mom I know what to do.'

I said, "Are you sure? It looks like a lot to do. What'd your teacher say you were supposed to do?"

"Read."

"Really?" I said. "And you know what to do?"

"Yeah, uh-huh."

And then my son began to read.

I couldn't believe the beautiful sound he made as the words flowed from his lips. My son was reading. And reading with tone, intonation, and clarity. My heart sank. I teared up for a slight moment (and as I am writing this). You can't imagine the joy I felt when I first heard my son read.

That feeling lingered for a few days until his next reading assignment. This is when it all started. "All" meaning I finally found my son's level of tolerance for acquiring sounds to make words. We got comfortable on the sofa and he took out his homework. I skimmed through it and it looked like he had new sentences to learn to read. I thought, 'Easy. This should be a breeze.' When I handed it to him, the look on his face was obvious we were in for a long night, minus the fun. His reaction was a hopscotch between, 'Mom, I can't read this' and 'It's too hard.'

Too hard? What was he talking about? He was reading the week before...without even blinking. Now he says he can't?!?! I was baffled. Where did I lose my son? Who is this child of God and what have you done with my son? I was worried. So, my teacher instincts kicked in. I decided another way to help Busy Innocence. I wrote the new words as a list and approached it like a game. That was better for him. He knew the words and I gave him "points" for each time he got it right. Well, when I thought he got the concept down packed, I switched over to the sentences. Oh, did he not like that. It started all over again. Echoes of, 'I can't read this..it's too hard' hung on the walls. I told him that these were the exact same words he read on the list I made for the game. But he wasn't convinced. It turns out that in order for him to read it, he had to continuously refer to the list - WHICH BUGGED ME! In the end, it was slow progression, but he got it by the end of the night.

It got me to think of "Chai" and her frustrations with not being able to read and going all through life not reading as well as she wanted. It got me to think about support systems, her way of life and what it could have possibly been like. I have always known that reading and literacy are essential tools for becoming your own succcess in life. But to see this woman again, and to be reminded that not everyone makes it through, moved me to start a crusade on ensuring my son's reading success. I want him to love reading. Reading for pleasure. Not just reading to read. I want him to love reading and know he can break barriers with it.

Incidentally, we've got a Read-A-Thon drive in the works...

2006-01-25T12:09:00.000+10:00

Of Choices And Decisions

I haven't told him yet, but I am torn.

Things have come up and I have been placed in a truly uncomfortable position. Life doesn't fair easy for me right now. Situations which have led to my current bind loomed far back, with me not really giving much attention to it. And I believe because I forcefully shoved the idea into the depths of the abyss of what is my memory, it has reared its ugly head, full force with a vengeance, to seek its revenge.

Several days ago determined my fate. And realizing it then hasn't been easy to swallow, to say the least. I am caught between two things. Two I treasure deep in my heart. In most cases, I would have been quick to decide what path I would take. This one, I "tread lightly." Now, my decision will hurt someone. Without a doubt. They will feel betrayal. Possibly, forever. Feeling betrayed is something I would never like to feel again, so it comes as no surprise for me to heap on all feelings of guilt before admission.

Love cannot band aid this one. I know it. So what do I do? I know my choice will affect those who I adore and are closest to me. I would never want to cause them grief. I'm at the point where I think I will go quietly into the night because I would rather hurt than to have someone hurt because of me.

I have... history vs. future.

Which one will I turn to? Should I choose history because it is all I have ever known, or should I take a chance and live? Do I bow out gracefully and live a life of regret, or do I face the music, be strong and...choose? I know whichever I choose, it would be good for me - but I will always wonder - had I chose the other, what would have been.

So, in bearing this, I hope to ask all 2 of those who read my blog, to please help me choose:

SEAHAWKS or STEELERS?

My closest friends (pretty much since middle school) are DIE HARD, NO-ONE-CAN-TELL-ME-OTHERWISE Steeler fans. These are the people I have done and witnessed everything with. They've known me longest. Our children are like each our own. We don't view each other as friends. We are family. Long discussions have been made on naming our children after great Steeler folk. I will NOT go into that.

On the other hand, the love of my life, the one who makes me smile is a TRUE BLUE, DIE HARD, NO-ONE-CAN-TELL-ME-OTHERWISE Seahawks fan. Seahawks...the team I will soon follow because of my loyalty to all things Washington.

Do you see the true dilemma I am in? You are witnessing my fate unravel as you read this. For a woman who fondly appreciates the sport of the gridiron, I am backed into a corner here. For years I have loved being right there, with the pigskin loyalists, on the sidelines or in front of Mr. Good Guy’s big screen, enjoying every “High 5”, “In your face”, “Bend over”, “Drink because your team sucks ass”, “We know we’re too good,”, “Next?” comment liveable. And now, the only man who makes my heart beat fast AND slow at the same time, worships the adversary.

When in doubt, I normally cheer for the underdog (most of the time it’s just to get the juices flowing amongst my friends during pre-game). Although I love the game, my heart lies with no one team. Half the time I’m into the plays and trying to read them (“Screen, screen”) that I don’t keep track of score. And darnaggit, do I love calling the fouls! It’s a blessing that they all won’t be in the same room, rooting for the opposing team. It’s strange because as usual, once I begin writing, things become clearer. At this moment, my heart’s leaning to the Seahawks, primarily because this is their FIRST Superbowl ever, and I can relate to FIRSTS in my life. But I think my friends will love me, still. I’ll just never be able to live it down if Pittsburgh kicked ass.

So, to those of you who read this, please help a girl out. Steelers or Seahawks?

2006-01-23T21:50:00.000+10:00

Into the Night Sky...Finding My Way

My Polaris
brighter than the Sun
He holds my gaze

In the darkness
I look up
to You

In the black velvet
of Love
You glow

So steadily

I am captured
Enraptured
Entranced

Precession fated
Irreplaceable in my eyes
The attraction

My North Star

Steering
Charting our course
I hold out my hand

Wherever I am
You are there
I need only
to look up

Your sky
is my sky

Among an asterism
You shine

I am proud
To receive your shine
Twinkle, twinkle

No need to wonder
what you are...
Recherche'

My search is over

2006-01-23T21:30:00.000+10:00

100 Things To Know About Me

New year, new revealings...I figured you might as well know a bit about me. Is 100 enough? Happy reading, folks. See you at the end of the list.

1. I have a birthmark on my right thigh in the shape of a particular animal (hence never having to feel I need a tat).
2. Colors I can't live without in my wardrobe: black, black, black, shades of blue, and shades of tan.
3. Favorite number is 13.
4. Oldest and only daughter of my parents.
5. I have one brother, 2 half-brothers, 3 stepsisters and 1 stepbrother.
6. My parents divorced when I was 19.
7. The only pets I've ever taken care of were fish.
8. I hold a Masters Degree.
9. I have a son who is 4 years old.
10. I have an ex-husband who thinks like a four-year-old (sometimes even younger, sadly).
11. I was married to said ex-husband in a Catholic church.
12. I am left-handed.
13. I was labeled gifted since I was 4. (Ha, don't know where that went)
14. I can eat a jar of pickles in one day.
15. Favorite food at one point in my life: rice and daigo.
16. I am 5' 3" (yes, I know - petite. My brother's 5'10" - IDK what happened).
17. I was born in March.
18. I am a Mac addict.
19. I make more money now than my parents ever did in their careers.
20. The first car I bought on my own was a brand new Nissan Pathfinder. Paid that off and bought a new Honda Civic.
21. I come close to sleeping naked at night.
22. Favorite flowers are orchids, lilies, tulips, and hydrangeas.
23. I love Asian pears.
24. I love chocolate covered almonds.
25. I can cook.
26. I want to learn how to fly...a plane.
27. My panties and bras HAVE TO match.
28. I know how to golf (not that I'm good at it).
29. Can't swim, CAN wakeboard.
30. Love to watch football.
31. Favorite hangouts at night: Fishbowl, Sams, and Brutus.
32. Loves music of all sorts.
33. Love reading. And cafe bikes.
34. I have been at my job for ten years.
35. Will be leaving the only place I've known as home, soon.
36. Not a morning person!
37. Prefer hot tea over coffee.
38. Will not eat anything raw - fish, eggs, beef, chicken, etc...
39. Last time I was asked, I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue in about 7 seconds.
40. I enjoy paintball.
41. Drinking alcohol makes me sleepy most of the time. No fun!
42. Worked at a law firm for four years before my job now.
43. I like Ansel Adams' work.
44. I love black and white photographs.
45. I ended up having a Caesarean section delivery.
46. I replaced my favorite teacher when I started my career (she was retiring).
47. I took the Top Teacher Award at my school, the first year I taught.
48. I wear contacts.
49. There are pictures of parts of my body floating around on someone's blog.
50. I am getting a tattoo...I think.
51. Current piercings: 3 - ear, 1-navel. Had my tongue pierced but closed it up after a year.
52. Saw snow for the first time this past December, 2005.
53. I don't wear makeup...with the exception of lipstick (on occasion) and SOMETIMES mascara.
54. I love pedicures.
55. Own the entire Dawson's Creek Series. If you're laughing, STOP.
56. Met Menudo (Ricky Martin, to be exact) when they were here - my only run-in with "fame". I know. I know. STOP laughing.
57. Have a guitar sitting in my living room...have not picked it up to play.
58. Will never forget January 4, 2004.
59. Was once a hula dancer.
60. Was a cheerleader, too.
61. I can spend a whole day in a bookstore.
62. I've travelled to Japan, Saipan, Bali, Palau, Hawai'i, California, Washington, Las Vegas (I can't put Nevada) and Texas.
63. Became an "official" godmother in June of this year...and then October.
64. Languages learned: other than my Chamorro and English - Spanish and Japanese.
65. Favorite ice cream flavors: Dove's Caramel Toffee Moment, Baskin Robbin's Mint Chocolate Chip, Ben & Jerry's The Godfather, and Haagen Daaz's Chocolate.
66. NEVER thought I would ever be a blogger...(thanks to my 47 for making this possible - your writing inspires mine)
67. I do not have cable.
68. No biggie: sits in strip joints and tolerates porn. Will grab tits - her tits.
69. I have toys. Yes, those.
70. I love dancing.
71. Having said that, I have danced on stage in a strip club.
72. I have had body shots done on me.
73. I have had unlawful carnal knowledge of a man in thee most unlawful place to have it...let's just say I get on my knees to pray over that one incessantly.
74. Favorite toys growing up: Stompers and Strawberry Shortcake. Had Barbie but she was overrated.
75. Have, easily, more guy friends than female friends. Always did. Probably always will. Guys are more fun.
76. In middle school, I shoplifted because my friends did it. I had $ but peer pressure took over.
77. Repeated some of these in another post.
78. Have had sex with a man too young for me.
79. Have taken photos of my "private" parts, up close and personal.
80. Have had photos of my face in another woman's breasts.
81. Parasailed in Bali.
82. Have eaten shark and turtle.
83. Wish I could have joined the Peace Corp before "life" happened.
84. Only lived on my own for a little over two years.
85. I have tried driving on the roads here @ 110 mph. Exhilirating experience. Posted speed limit: 35.
86. I only use plastic or wooden hangers.
87. I, more than once, "faked" a science project for school and completely got away with it.
88. Drank snake wine with a "chief" in Palau.
89. First "drunk beyond wasted" experience was on strickly Tequila shots and Budweiser beer. Shots:+12 (couldnt count after that number) and shots of beer:+5 - DRINKERS, DO NOT MIX YOUR ALCOHOL!!
90. For my Counseling major, had to see a psychologist for 10 sessions. Don't think it helped (:
91. Have tried talking on the phone for 8 hours (6 p.m. - 2 a.m.)
92. Am not being completely honest about something in my life right now.
93. Love flip-flops and heels (3" or higher please).
94. Favorite movies: The Sound of Music and Last of the Mohicans
95. Dream car: 1958 Chevrolet Corvette
96. Afraid of the unknown...
97. Will NOT participate in beastiality...may watch, depending.
98. Geeks and nerds are such a turn on for me.
99. Love singing. And documentaries. And Sazan & Redbull.
100. Have fallen in love.

2006-01-23T10:19:00.000+10:00

She Believes In Me - Joe Cocker

I'm tossing and turning and I can't get to sleep
Got something on my mind I just can't release

Then she whispers so softly that she believes in me
If I let her down and tried to disguise it

She always sees through it, always replies that
No matter what I do she believes in me

All the times I failed, gone slightly off the rails
She's there to remind me she believes in me

When it all goes wrong and I feel I'm on my own
She's there to remind me she believes in me

Don't get me wrong I'm not some kind of fool
I'd give her my world if she asked me to

Cuz here's no denying she believes in me
But I'm only human, I'm just a guy
That sometimes makes mistakes and I can't explain why
Some say she's crazy but she believes in me

All the times I failed, gone slightly off the rails
She's there to remind me she believes in me
When it all goes wrong and I feel I'm on my own
She's there to remind me she believes in me
She believes in me in what I do
She believes in me
I need her too
She believes in God above
She believes when we make love

All the times I failed, gone slightly off the rails
She's there to remind me she believes in me
When it all goes wrong and I feel I'm on my own
She's there to remind me she believes in me

Ya she's there to remind me she believes in me
Ya she's there to remind me she believes in me
Ya she's there to remind me she believes in me

I heard another version of this today but decided to put this one up. When you feel you can't lean on anyone, know that I'm here. Know that with me, there are no judgments, no explanations, no justifying needed. I'll be your comfort. Your safety. Your haven. Your peace when nothing else gives you your fill. God will always be there for you - even through me. Trust me - take my hand. I will always walk beside you. May you never feel alone.

I believe...

2006-01-21T19:44:00.000+10:00

What's the best course of action when you are faced with knowing that although you were asked to stop doing a particular thing, the person asking continues to do it?

What do you do?

2006-01-20T12:29:00.000+10:00

Happy 33rd Birthday

...to the girl I grew up with. I lived vicariously through you for many years. You weren't afraid to live life growing up - pushing the envelope, crossing the line, questioning, and never settling for less. I grew through you. I learned from your mistakes.

So today, may you look back and see how fulfilled your life is and still, what is yet to be unearthed. You still have so much potential and your students honestly love you. You are admired as a teacher, and loved as the only sister I never had.

May your life be blessed. Today and always. May you always find sunshine in the lights of your life, Fat Crap & Zei, and may God bless you with good health and peace of mind!

Happy Birthday Butterball!

2006-01-20T09:29:00.000+10:00

Today

This is the beginning of a new day
I can waste it or use it for good.
What I do today is important because
I am exchanging it for a day of my life.

When tomorrow comes
This day will be gone forever,
Leaving in its place something
I have traded for it.

I want it to be gain, not loss
Good, not evil
Success, not failure -
In order that I shall not regret
The price I paid for today.

~Author Unknown

I came across this two years ago, while sitting in my doctor's office. The night before, something tragic happened that changed my life...forever. I know I was meant to look up from my chair to see this framed poem. I know I was meant to read it, cry, and move on. It's as if my doctor knew to guide me into THAT particular office and leave me alone for awhile.

It was two years ago that my life, once again, hit rock bottom. I had risen from a dangerously crushing blow to my heart two years prior to this incident and then I was hit with a tragedy that left me with a cross to carry forever.

This morning I was filled with thoughts of a post I wanted to write. It seemed as if it was leading into a confessional, almost. I was thinking I was going to bear all. You see, the reality is, no one I am close to knows that I even write. Or that I ever had a passion for reading. You know how they say, "You never really know a person...". Well, I think it's safe to say no one really knows me. Apparently those of you who have read anything I have written have been exposed to my truth. Me. The me no one else knows. I know my friends have NO clue as to the passions I have. I think that says a lot about my trust in others. There is a complete side to me that no one around me knows.

And for some reason, I like that.

I like knowing that only a few of you know ME. I dare to say, only one of you truly knows me. But you, my blogger friends, get the me I could never show others. Maybe I'm afraid of what they'll think. Sometimes fear is a good thing. I remember growing up, suicide was often a thought in my head. But I was always afraid. It was the one time fear was actually good for me.

I am not afraid, though, of what you'll think. Strange.

I read blogs on a daily basis. Many times I am touched or moved by what people actually share. Which in turn, moves me to want to share. But eventually I never fully open up that side of me. I've made it a writer's resolution to become a bit more intimate with my writing. Not too many things I have written have gotten my heart to go along with it. You all got the surface. Now I'm thinking, 'New year, new chance.'

So, today, I will pledge to make the effort. My heart will speak more. Although my ideas may have been random, the thoughts were real. I just need to get my heart in to it more. The real ME. And although there are many things I haven't shared, in time, I think I will reveal...

I don't want to regret the price I paid for today.

2006-01-18T20:24:00.001+10:00

The Run Through...The Extended Condensed Version

I know I've been lousy with keeping up the posts, but I know that most of you have read my life's turn of events on Zoo's blog (if you haven't, now's a good time to go there first and visit). So this will be my humble attempt to continue on with my story. Last I left off, I started a countdown of days until I would visit him.

And because I have this crazy ability to jump from one day to the next week, I know I previously wrote about our meeting at the airport (please scroll down below for the post: THE TRAVELS OF LEILA AND SEBASTIAN to understand) so I won't recap that. Zoo touched on Christmas on his blog, SO, I won't be venturing to retell that story either.

Now since there is sooo much to share, I think I'll provide you with a list of all the things I can remember about my time with Zoo. Please bear in mind this will NOT be XXX rated (sorry to disappoint), so for those of you who were looking for the juice, you will not be fulfilled THIS time around.

In no particular order, here are some of the lowlights:

1. Tony @ the Rez - I want Zoo to tell that story. Let's just say, "...And the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy goes to...Ms. Oh So Wonderful-ly Acted." Zoo wanted to show a good friend of his that he still HAD it with the ladies, so we enacted a scene soooo overly played in movies about the geek getting the the popular, hot, intelligent, cool, hip, cheerleader/class president...yeah, you get the picture. (:

2. OLYMPIA - need I say more? I love that place. Zoo KNEW I would love it too so, his casual drive into Olympia was not unplanned, afterall.

3. Flexing/Raquetball - Imagine a man, with rolled up shorts, standing @ our bedside, re-enacting his raquetball days. Yeah, I was balling!

4. The Blue Bottle - As Zoo put it, it WAS our home away from home. I found one here on the rock that quickly services my need for what I miss about the Blue Bottle...it's a place called Central Perk (Dz, you wrote about this place today. I'm heading over there on Saturday!!!). It kinda reminds me of the Blue Bottle..but without Michelle & Clozette. THEY EVEN HAVE ALMOND ROCA MOCHA, ZOO!!!

5. Mt. Rainier - whenever I think about my first memory of snow (yes, at 31) I will think of Zoo. Always. He made it happen for me. He allowed me to have something I never had before. He knows he owns this memory with me. Thank you!!!

6. Learning about tire chains....only to find out we didn't need 'em.

7. Good Will Hunting & Last of the Mohicans

8. The journals. Again, if you haven't gone over to Zoo's blog to read up about us, YOU'RE MISSING OUT on this one. It was beautiful to know we BOTH were giving each other the same exact gift, but with our little take on it. And we didn't know (at least I didn't) about the gifts we had planned on giving.

9. PostSecret, GroupHug, and Sudoku. The Rockstars each gave me a gift...through books. One at a time, they came over and handed me a book. They are such loveable kids! I love them a whole bunch!

10. Hanging out @ Lacey (otherwise known as Mom's house) - it was a lot like being @ home, though miles away...

11. Our new phones - Mason & Amaya. We got matching phones and a plan so we could keep in touch for free - NOT! That's a long depressing story so, we're not gonna go there.

12. Helly Hansen. Prior to talking with Zoo, the only other person who knew about Helly Hansen was my male cousin, Foo, who is an Asst. Manager for Chanel. He knew about HH because of his travels to Japan and his interaction with Japanese tourists. So it was a surprise when Zoo brought up the name. He told me we'd end up @ an HH shop to buy me a coat. We SHORE did! Oh, do I love him for his style!

13. Shoe shopping. Each store we went in to, my Zoo would bend on one knee, take off my heels, put on my socks and help me try on boots and then undo the whole process back again. EVERY store we went to. And each time I would begin to do it myself, he would SCOLD me. How can a girl NOT feel uncomfortable about a man on his knees? I did everything to fight the feeling and keep from blushing!

14. emp & Space Needle. Zoo did it again. He blogged about this one already. For the record, I do one mighty helluva crazy legs shuffle...even in those damn boots!

15. Olive Garden. The first place we ate at, after giving birth to Sebastian. Granted, we were with my brother, it felt good to eat right next to him, seeing him interact with my brother like they were high school friends! Ha - Zoo did something in the apple store, by the way. Ask him about it. I was busy setting up the buy with "Brandon" when Zoo pulled a quick one on me!

16. laying on the sofa, watching Queens of Comedy (DVD) one evening, and being spoonfed Ben & Jerry's. He and I will never look @ a hula hoop the same, anymore. (:

17. shopping @ Safeway. Zoo's townhouse is right behind Safeway. Our plan was for me to cook dinner one night and seeing as how Zoo's kitchen truly lived up to the "bachelor pad" generalization, shopping for groceries felt like the right thing to do. We were practically the only customers there. Did we ever consume any of the things we bought?! No, but let's just say the "stuff" we got @ Target (or was it Wal-mart) went to damn GOOD use! 'Keep going people, there's nothing XXX rated for you to see here.'

18. watching ...Narnia. Our first movie.

19. Boobine sharing. Zoo's youngest Rockstar WILL NOT share with anyone...but me. He was eating @ the table when I leaned over to ask him for some. He politely moved to put his snack in my mouth when I reached out to take it from his hand. At that point, Zoo turned to Lilo and asked, 'Did he just share with her?' (: Yes, he shared EACH and EVERY time I asked. May I add that he doesn't like to be carried...except by me. (:

20. And then there's these: sleeping in, driving Zoo's car, endless bed conversations, falling asleep to the sound of his voice (and in his arms), talking to Checha on Mom's couch, Brother Zoo singing our song, oil in rocks & its rainbow (the Blue Bottle parking lot), Zoo's scent, seeing my breath, visiting Dad's grave, fresh blueberries, the "Christmas" trees, my Graduation card, meeting Mom, then meeting Mom & Cool Cutie Niece @ the Commissary (when no one was supposed to know I was back again), seeing Zoo's pictures @ Mom's, watching them play Clue, the Journals, shopping with Lilo, Marshall's and my fashion show + director, losing my mood ring, darkness, everyone on their laptops on the kitchen table @ Mom's, drives on the freeway, our music, freezing fingers - touching snow, eating snow, Farelli's (my Fanelli's), gadgets, our talk on the couches, Barnes & Noble, "THAT GUY THINKS I'M AN IDIOT", seeing other couples in love: Farelli's, Mt. Rainier, the airport; new sheets, browsing in Olympia that night & through the car dealerships, the shower, breakfast, dinner, the 40-yr-old Virgin, Strawberries N Creme from Starbucks, Almond Roca Mocha, how much I love Zoo in his tees (with his cap turned back), how much love ME in Zoo's tees, making dinner with Lilo, McDonalds, midnight snacks, American Eagle fiasco, Contessa, Tiffani, the shaver (name?), the wireless card and "selling" our MiniDV cam to the woman, the cantenna, laptops, and Zoo's "confessional" on tape.

I know this was a long read, and sooo not what you expected but I wanted to share with you some of the things that happened to me while I was realizing that home was where Zoo was. Is. I was sharing with him the other night that I should create another countdown until Busy Innocence and I moved to the Evergreen State. I was joking. Now if, for some reason, you feel the need to want more details about ANY part of this post, please don't hesitate to ask. Will I answer? Well, have I ever been known not to keep my word?

2006-01-18T20:24:00.000+10:00

Something I found...

Tonight while we’re apart,
Let my love tuck you in with sweet dreams.
Let each silver star that lights the night sky
remind you of every happiness we’ve known
and the joy that’s yet to be.
Tonight, know that I’m thinking or you,
missing the rise and fall
of your easy sleep,
and looking forward to the time
I can simply reach out in the dark
to hold you close.
Tomorrow morning
when you wake up,
know that I’ll be picturing
what it’s like to start the day with you.
I’ll smile, imagining your sleepy eyes
and slept on hair I find so adorable.
Tomorrow, have a good day,
keep me close at heart...

...and be happy that we’re one night closer
to being back
in each other’s arms,
the place I love best.

~Renee Duvall

2006-01-15T08:49:00.000+10:00

The Internet does evil good...

~the continued LENGTHY story~

Many years will pass between us. He moved on with life, as did I. I'm not much on being online but due to the persistence of friends, I became a member of an internet site that joins family and friends from our rock. This site dedicates itself to linking people from our island to friends and family across the globe. It's pretty much a downscaled version of myspace, with a locals only twist.

Granted I have been able to keep in contact with my acquaintances on this site, there was a point when I loathed being on there because of the somewhat immaturity of others. The site was on it's last legs with me but one day I received an email.

An email that caught me off guard. I noticed the name, right off the bat. But the picture. He didn't look like someone I knew.

But the name...

It instantly brought me back to remembering the picture of him in 8th grade, standing shirtless on a beach shore. God I remember how I felt receiving that picture in the mail. He knew back then just how to make me smile...as he still does now. So I was excited to know he had emailed me...oh, excited to read what he had to say. Ha, it was short. Just a simple note dropping in to say, "Hi".

I remember laughing immediately. Laughing only because it was strange how throughout the years he managed to pop in and out of my mind and yet, there he was...he found me. I never would have thought our paths would have ever crossed again. And yet, he made it happen. As I would find out later, he IS that good.

So, I looked in on his profile (as members of this site, you get to create a profile about yourself) and quickly noticed his wit, his intelligence and the rather strange coincidence that he and I were alike. Well, I did email him back...about a week later. From there stemmed the constant stream of emails. Delightful, playful, intense, thought-provoking emails. It got to the point where emails were coming and going like IM conversations. One day he made the suggestion that I message him. Needless to say, I grabbed the chance! This man had somehow made me look forward to hearing from him. The things he wrote me touched the heart. I was intrigued by the whole idea of getting to know him all over again. No longer were we middle school kids. We were adults with such an intricate tale to tell about our paths and our growth as children, parents, spouses, and especially as individuals. He moved me.

I was at home when he dropped the idea of logging on to chat. When I logged on, he already sent an invite to add me as a friend. I added him - and his name (along with his PHONE NUMBER) popped on my list of friends.

Hmmm...his phone number?!

My internal dialogue went something like this... 'I can't believe this guy puts out his phone number just like that. I would never do such a thing. That's crazy. But maybe he put it out for me to call?!?! Hm, should I? It's not like I'm a kid. In this day and age, it's quite ok for a woman to call a man she hasn't heard from in 19 years. Hey, he DID put his number knowing you were going to log on. Come on, he WANTS you to call. No, wait, maybe he's trying to test you to see what KIND of woman are you. Oh, shit, you're a GROWN woman...calling a guy shouldn't be this tedious a process! Just do it. No, don't start getting nervous now. It's only Zoo. You've gotten to know him again in a strange sort of way. He'll like you. You can tell he does already...JUST CALL HIM. You already have the phone in your hands. Don't get nervous. Just dial. You'll thank yourself later!'

And then I got his voicemail.

I was already nervous just calling him - and then to get his VOICEMAIL?!?! Ugh. God LOVES to take me for a ride.

Damnit, I didn't even practice what I was going to say...CRAP! So, I hear his voice and all thoughts leave me. I lost all sense of control. I would be saying something in a few seconds that would determine whether or not I would get a call back. So I play my flirty self and leave a message...without leaving my name. Hell, if he didn't answer the phone, well then, I'll make him work for it...(:

And work it did. He called back and since the minute I got his number I programmed it into my phone, I knew it was him.

Obviously, I was ALL smiles. I even did the dance. Yes folks, the dance.

We talked and talked and talked. I smiled and smiled and smiled. I realized, 'This guy still makes the ground move from under me, just like he did so long ago.' So what started out as daily emails led to daily phone calls. My day just didn't seem right without hearing his voice. His effect was that big. He became a part of my day that I couldn't live without. Other people need coffee. Chocolate. Smoking. Beer.

I needed him.

He became such an intense part of my day. My life. It blew my mind to realize that this man, a boy I once knew growing up, had touched the very heart of me. I was falling in love...

One conversation, which took place early on in our history, had him ask, "So what's it gonna take for you to come see me?"

We dabbled with the idea and moved on. Yet little did he know, as the days passed, I would be making the arrangements. I emailed him a couple of photos - none to which he could make out. They were unusual photos. They were of my legs standing near a ticket counter (I was standing in line purchasing a plane ticket). The next shots were of the actual ticket, but he couldn't make it out. So although I wanted to surprise him, I had to end up telling what the pictures were. And of course, he didn't believe it. But we were soon counting the days. And that was how the countdown on my blog began. It was a countdown of days until I got to be with him...finally...after we had grown as individuals.

Our countdown of days to rediscovering. Rediscovering each other. Rediscovering love. Rediscovering hope.

2006-01-12T20:50:00.000+10:00

Back to Reality...Walk with Me

Well, I made it. Finally. I'm back home. Zoo doesn't like that I say I'm home. He says home is wherever HE is. That takes getting used to. That's not a bad thing. Guam will always be home for me. But my heart is elsewhere tonight.

Busy Innocence and I got in last night. Let's just say my recent travels have reminded me why I DON'T do traveling. Then again, I just didn't like dragging my son all over the place. He's just not cut out for flying but, in a few months he'll be doing it again. He'll travel to a whole new world. A world that I have decided to create for us.

A new beginning.

I have decided to LIVE.

In a few months I will be leaving everything familiar to me (and Busy) and start anew. Complete with love, support, comfort, conviction, and determination.

I WILL BE MOVING TO WASHINGTON.

But to just jump out and claim that would do my whole story a disservice. I know I need to start you all off with the beginning. MY beginning.

Although some of you may have read the male version of this history, you haven't read mine. It may not be as witty or as colorful as what you have read, but it is MY truth, nonetheless.

Walk with me. Back to 1986. I was an eighth grade Catholic school girl being brought up in a strict household. I was not allowed to go out with friends to do the friend things kids do nowadays (hang out at the mall, shop, watch movies, got to games, sleepovers - you get the picture) so when I was allowed to go to a party in my village WITHOUT my parents (ha, granted I was going with family) I JUMPED at the chance. I did anything to get out of the house.

Well the party consisted of some friends I went to school with at the local elementary school so, I was comfortable because I knew some people...except for him. He was a new face. I saw him across the dance floor (NO JOKE). He was already looking. I liked what I saw. But I already knew I wouldn't be able to get to know him. I had a PARENT barricade around me 24/7. So I always knew things would be over with any boy before they even started.

I don't remember the details but I do remember us eventually dancing, and somehow that night, he got my number. I was so excited that (NOTE: HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS PART) when I got home my cousin and I took pictures of ourselves and I was secretly thinking I would give them to him the next time I saw him. If there was ever a chance..

Well, there was. He and I made it possible to see each other. And I don't know what it was about him that made me put aside all thoughts of parental punishment and take the chance to be with him. I'm not sure if he really understood just how much trouble I would have gone through...just to be with him. Looking back, his confidence is STILL there. He was brave enough then (to walk to my home wearing PRESO zories AND take the chance of getting caught) and he's even braver now.

To make this short, I enjoyed him. He was someone different. The boys I knew back then weren't in to the things he was - the things I was interested in. Most boys were all up in themselves. He was too, but at the same time, he knew just how to share himself with me. He wanted to know me. Amazing. He had this way about him. Rough, but so untouched inside. My attraction to him was wanting to know him - what lay inside.

Ours was your typical middle school "relationship". We truly had no idea what we were doing. We liked to think that we did. But we didn't. I remember laughing, telephone conversations, listening to music, LL Cool J, Force MDs, secret meetings, the Klymaxx concert, the backseat of his mom's car, the bed of someone's truck, arguing, wet kisses, holding hands, sneaking around and most of all...heart ache.

He broke my heart. I had found out that he had been your typical bad boy: running game, shady, baller -a player in the making. He was popular so, in the end, I got mine. He was set to leave the rock for the Evergreen State. I went to the airport to say my goodbyes and was met with the vision of him, in the arms of another girl, smiling and taking pictures. I was a different girl at that moment. I just wanted to say goodbye and be on my way. It hurt.

I thought of him every once in awhile, after that. Little things here and there reminded me of him. And as the years passed, my memory of him faded eventually. In and out, in and out...he would come into existence in a breath, a memory, a song. And then he would be gone. It would be years before his MARK on my life would change me forever.

2006-01-08T08:14:00.000+10:00

Brrrr...it's cold here. For someone who's only got slippers on, my toes are on the verge of suffering from frostbite.

You see, I'm still not home. I wasn't able to get home. I'd be in the city that never sleeps for another week. So instead, my plans have changed. Ideas came quick and opportunities arose. The next thing I knew, I was being told to walk through Lane 9...the "special" lane. I was asked to put all my belongs on one table and enter a concoction that looked somewhat like a transporter pod of the 25th century. As I watched the man before me, he and I started to laugh. He was already going through the process of being "dried down" like they do with our cars in the express car wash. Spurts and gusts of air ran throughout my body as if I was being flushed from any airborne illnesses.

I exited the transporter pod and proceeded to unpack my lap top and my back pack. Mr. Homeland Security took giant Noxema-like wipes and began wiping away, submitting each pad into the computer for analysis - I was actually honored that someone thought me crazy and deranged enough to carry harmful and possibly terroristic items on board an airplane. The swiping went on for another 5 minutes and luck for me, I had enough time to make my flight BACK TO WASHINGTON.

Yes, I am sitting here in Zoo's townhouse AGAIN. As I'm writing, we're making plans on what to do for the weekend. I go back down to Vegas Sunday night, but for now, we're just enjoying the second round....(:

Ok, guys, this will end sometime soon... I know I'll be heading back to the rock. Until then, you get snippets.

Love you all and please, have a tropical day (or your version of it)...

The Happy Oh So Wonderful

2006-01-06T07:13:00.000+10:00

I regret that I have not been at my best with blogging. I have a ton of things to write about but for now you'll just have to settle with this.

I'm sitting here @ my dad's computer because although I have Sebastian, I somehow like the idea of using my daddy's old chugger. As you can very well see, I am STILL in Vegas. I wasn't able to get on my flight but, fortunately for my luggage, they got a seat in the storage cabin! So at one point, I was here in Vegas with nothing but the clothes on my back (I've always wanted to use that statement).

For starters, I do not know where to begin. My life these past few weeks have been truly worth remembering and cherishing. But to leave you with only that would be a disservice. So, because I am kind, I will extend by saying, "YOU'RE ALL IN FOR A SURPRISE!"

Honestly, this just gets better. I had a countdown to meet Mr. 47 - after 19 years. But now, I've got another opportunity...this time, I did not pass it up! So, the next post you will read by me will undoubtedly make you say, 'Cum on now, when will this thing end!?'

Really.

But have faith because I will blog soon. I just need to be in my element.

Thanks though, to all of you who have been there and have kept it going...I honestly treasure and appreciate all your words...even your ever-so-funny ones, Armaedes!

2006-01-05T09:59:00.000+10:00

Ok, call it lazy but I feel that since someone is already writing what I want to write, I may as well let you guys read it too...cause he's that good. So please, CLICK HERE FOR LOVE.

2006-01-02T07:23:00.000+10:00

This is why I love this man...

2005-12-30T11:06:00.000+10:00

Sorry...I have been out of touch with my posting. It's not that I have nothing to post because, believe me, I do - but I have NO TIME! I am on vacation and truly living up to the words - RELAXATION!

I love Olympia. I found my niche. I am thinking of relocating. Let's just say I am falling in love with Washington everyday! It is beautiful EVEN WITH THE RAIN. I love rain so it's just an added extra for falling in love with this place.

As for falling in love, ooooh oooh ooohh...

Yes, I am.

But I don't have enough time to ramble on and ooze love and romance all up in blogland.

Let's just say, when a man helps you shop and kneels on the floor EVERY time to put your shoes and socks on for you while all the ladies in the shoe department (customers and sales reps) look on with envy....well....the posts will be coming!

...(:...

2005-12-26T12:29:00.000+10:00

TODAY...

This is what I have been waiting for...

Leila met Sebastian. Finally.

After 19 years...

2005-12-26T07:37:00.000+10:00

The Travels of Leila and Sebastian

So I hop on a plane and I'm headed to the Pacific Northwest. I'm headed to Washington.

I'm going to meet him. After 19 years, we are meeting again.

THIS IS HOW IT WENT.

I call him from McCarran telling him that I'll be touching down in 2 hours. I've got a thousand thoughts running through my head. He knows this. I'm thinking he can feel it all the way from within the city that never sleeps. My time in Vegas was great. Nothing beats spending time with family. But nothing also beats feeling anticipation of meeting a great man (again) after nineteen years.

When I first started my countdown, it was more so of a release...something to ease the eagerness and the anticipation.

It took on a life of its own. I am absolutely humbled by the encouraging words from those of you who have kept up with it. I'm smiling as I write that. From the bottom of my heart, thank you guys (and gals). I am deeply touched. Having you take part in this was such a great reminder of my faith in fellow man. Again, thank you.

Ok, yes, back to my story.

So I arrive into SeaTac. Since my brother lives in Ft. Lewis, he knew just when I touched down. I was in the plane and he calls telling me he's gonna be late. I thought it was awful nice for my baby brother to be there to meet me. So he's walking me through the airport via cell phone (although he can find his way in complete darkess without a compass in the middle of the Everglades, my brother SUCKS at helping others get to baggage claim) and I finally get to the carousel.

I hang up with him and get a call from Mr. 47.

He sees that I've arrived (he can read) and says he's waiting for me near the baggage claim carousel. Little does he know... I've already spotted him. (:

As I'm walking to hide behind the ad signs, he's constantly asking me, "Where are you?"

Oh I'm laughing up a storm!!! He tells me it's not fair - that I can see him and he can't see me. So I manage my way around the airport ad signs...and he asks me, "Do you see it?"

In his hands, he's holding up a posterboard sign that reads:

LOVE HERE!!!

I was all smiles...I walk up to him from behind the post and he sees me.

We embrace - and the rest is my new blog history...

2005-12-25T07:16:00.000+10:00

...one...

One gift.

That's all I want.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2005-12-24T08:56:00.000+10:00

...2...

...the number of fingers in the air...

Seriously, though, the number of years I have been at peace with God's will for me. It is a feeling like no other; to accept God's will for you. I am continuously learning and ever changing, but finding my way through God's hand was a great and humbling feeling.

I now have faith, hope and I believe. I learn, reflect, engage, listen and do. I try, I cry, I embrace, and I let go.

I live, I love, and I kneel. Everyday.

I forgive, I remember, I pray. Constantly.

Two years of evolving - with many more to come.

2005-12-23T10:38:00.000+10:00

...3...

1. The number of godchildren (girls): Kaiah, Malia, Nevaeh
2. The number of $50 bills I currently have in my wallet
3. The number of times I've had to ask Busy Innocence to tie his shoelaces already (in 10 minutes). Uuugggghhhh!

2005-12-22T10:34:00.000+10:00

Four

1. Godchildren (boys): Jarred, Christian, Tyler, Isaiah
2. January 4th, 2004 ... I'll never forget
3. Busy Innocence - 4 years old
4. The number of fingers on one of my friend's hands.

2005-12-21T10:26:00.000+10:00

Five...

1. The number of school years I have been in my current job.

2. The number of fingers I have on each hand.

3. The number of toes I have on each foot.

4. The number of times I have ever gotten a hangover.

5. I was fifth grade when I had my first kiss - behind a flower bush.

2005-12-20T10:07:00.000+10:00

Six...

The number of former elementary school students I have taught, who now have children. I have been out of the classroom for already five years with my first group of students now being juniors in college. I have a former student (she was in my fourth grade class - my last class, at that) who now has a child. She is currently a freshman in high school.

Four mothers and two fathers...3 are still in high school, 3 have just finished.

To many this may seem unimportant, but these children are a part of me. I live in a small, tight-knit community and these children are like my own. I have seen them grow up, even though they have left our school. They have younger brothers and sisters who attend our elementary school and many continue to come back for a visit, a school function, or volunteer.

I often wonder where the break down occurs, though. We have close familial ties, a vibrant backbone of a community, and a strong religious commitment yet, our children are having children. Although some may dismiss it as cultural, I am not so quick to agree. I often emphasize to all the students I interact with that having a great foundation in education, having a firm grasp on your future and its direction, and enjoying life by making sound decisions will ensure a well-rounded and productive life.

I'm still wonder how we failed those who fell through the cracks...

2005-12-19T12:26:00.000+10:00

SEVEN

Some would say it's their lucky number...to each its own.

For me, it's the number of "siblings" I have...

From Dad - 1 "whole" brother, 2 "half" brothers
From Dad's wife - 1 step sister, 1 step brother
From Mom's hubs - 2 step sisters

Did I do the math right? I always sucked at numbers.

NOTE: I am currently posting from the land of Vegas. I am trying to get some down time to log on to this baby and blog about my trip. I LOVE IT HERE...and I've only been here a couple of hours.

More about my adventure later....

Enjoy your day everyone!

2005-12-18T09:10:00.000+10:00

Eight...

The number of shoes Busy Innocence has.

Hey, it's not reaching...I was trying to incorporate my son into this. He wears out his shoes A LOT! I stopped trying to figure out how he manages to wear them out so quickly that they lose their "newness". Could it be that he's four? Maybe...but then what would MY reason be for having that many as well? Hmmm....

2005-12-17T09:03:00.000+10:00

...9...

First things that come to mind:

-Nine Inch Nails
-"Number Nine is so fine." - My girlfriend, 38D's (cause let's face it people, hers were THAT huge...and she was exotic no doubt) favorite quote in high school. She had a huge crush on my super duper close friend Boom...who's volleyball jersey was...yup, #9.

Other than that, it's the number of sneakers, shoes and boots I have. It's funny that I'm only packing one (yes, one) pair of shoes for my trip. The rest are my slips and my heels. That was a strategic move on my part - it causes me to shop....

WE'RE IN THE SINGLE DIGITS NOW...WOOOOO HOOOO!!!

2005-12-16T12:00:00.000+10:00

...Ten...

..The number of lbs. I need to lose (at least)

It was 1984 when I turned ten. Three months after my tenth birthday, my brother was born. For many years I had been hoping for a sibling because being an only child was lonely. I even remember writing my mom letters about wanting another sibling. Little did I know that asking for a sibling meant additional responsibilities on my part. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening. Yes, I truly acted the part of the spoiled only child when my brother came around. No doubt about that.

But 21 years later, I am glad to have a baby brother. He's a lot cooler than I expected - he has to be...he's got me for a sister. He's ultra cool by default. (:

10....the number of black bras I have...did I mention my favorite color is black?

2005-12-15T22:33:00.000+10:00

...eleven

two ones...

The number of jeans I have...see, I really don't have that many, guys! Don't be so mean!

1. 3 DKNYs
2. 2 AEs
3. 2 a&fs
4. 2 JCrews
5. 2 Luckys

..ok, this doesn't include my denim GAP capris, my Banana Republic denim pants, or my Max Studio denims that I can't live without (until next year when I change my wardrobe and give to Catholic Social Services - and get a letter for tax purposes)!

Current favorite pair: My Sweet-N-Low Luckys

Pair I wore today: My American Eagles

Which will I wear tomorrow? Definitely the Low-Lo-Lita Dickneys (DKNYs)

Can you see I'm a denim gal? Then again, we haven't come up to the number of pants I've got so, hmmmm....wait for it.

2005-12-15T21:35:00.000+10:00

She said...

She said she would give up everything she wanted for Christmas just so I could see snow.

Before having even met her, she's already got my heart. Such a beautiful mind - and a beautiful heart.

One to, someday, call my own...

2005-12-14T21:27:00.000+10:00

12...

I was 12 when you happened.......

Imagine that.......

Who would have thought......

2005-12-13T01:43:00.000+10:00

Thirteen on 13...

Sooo cool.

13 is my favorite number.

That's also the room number where my office is located.

I believe that's also my extension inter-office (I think - hell, I don't buzz myself).

It's also the day I was born.

It was 1987 when I turned 13. No, you don't want to know! And no, Dz...no first kiss here. I wasn't a late bloomer for that! (:

2005-12-13T00:17:00.000+10:00

A Letter To My Son

Roobes,

Right now you're four and if you ever get to read this I hope you'll get from it exactly what I think you need to empower yourself in life. Without really knowing where to start, I'll keep this simple because if you read this five years down the line, I'd like to know that you understand what Mom is trying to say.

If I could ask God to give you the life I hope for you, it would be filled with some of these:

1. Compassion. For your fellow man, for those less fortunate than you and for those you know you should always help. May your genuine love for the human race always move you to care for your neighbor in times of need.

2. Hope. For when life isn't going the way you think it should be.

3. Integrity. To understand that your choices determine your worth and making the right one may not always be the popular one. And for being able to stand alone for the right cause.

4. Hurt. Sometimes the only way we can appreciate what we are blessed with is to suffer. Often only at our weakest are we at our best.

5. Laughter. To fill the walls of your home and the ones you put around your heart. May you bring laughter to those who build walls as well.

6. Respect. For others, the law (God's law, that is) and most especially - your Mother. No, seriously, FOR YOURSELF. Only then can you respect those who bring you joy and those who don't respect your opinions. By respecting those who don't respect you, you have learned the difference between ignorance and growth.

7. Humility. Only God can give you true reward. May you always act selflessly and with God in mind. Without reward.

8. Heartache. So your heart may be open to others...even to change.

9. Cooperation. Being a leader also means knowing when to follow. May you learn that you are only as strong as your weakest link and may you always see the goal at the end of the mission. Not all great things are done or discovered alone. You need others.

10. Faith. In all you do, people you love, friends who may betray, strangers you meet, in yourself and in your God. You may not ever understand the discomforts in your life, but have faith that the plan God has for you is something you can lay your life on.

I know Mommy won't always be there to help, and even in those times when I can, I would still want you to believe in your abilities. You will get your heart crushed, your dreams shattered, your expectations disappointed and your thoughts belittled but, you need to always bear in mind that God won't ever give you something you can't handle. That the only place to go from bottom is up and in time, everything will get better if you let go and let God. Your wisdom only broadens by how much you are willing to learn. Learn from your weaknesses. Learn from your past. Learn from others. Always be a gentleman and learn to pick and choose your battles. Some things just aren't worth fighting for. Love music and love your culture. Dance. Love.

Never forget that I raised you as best I could, with what we had, and with all the love my heart could hold. Always remember that at one point in my life, you were the only reason why I loved life. You continue to be my sunshine and my learning experience. A big part of my life is defined by you. I will never forget the day I held your tiny hand and the promise I made to myself. Thank you for being my shelter and light.

Don't ever lose sight of what keeps you grounded and makes you extraordinary. Believe.

Humbled to Have Been Chosen To Guide You,

Mom

2005-12-13T00:09:00.000+10:00

Songs Currently Stuck...

Heard Bo Bice last night...remembered these songs:

1. Real Thing
2. Willing To Try (this is for those not giving up on whom you love - you'll know who you are when you listen to the words...may God help you stay strong and faithful to Him).

2005-12-12T23:53:00.000+10:00

14...

The number of photos I have of my son (by himself) all over my house (not including the tribute wall).

(Just a side note: the previous post, "15", made Post#100. For me, that's a personal accomplishment because had you asked me back in August if I would ever blog, my answer would have been, "Unheard of!" I can't believe I've written 100 things about me or my interests...and that people ACTUALLY read and comment on - I am so happy! Amazing. I honestly thought I would never get that far. It had always been that I far more enjoy reading your blogs than writing mine.)

2005-12-11T23:25:00.000+10:00

...fifteen...

I've got fifteen black blouses hanging in my closet. Eleven of them are from one of my favorite spots, Max Studio. I love the feel, the comfort, the simplicity and the look of a Max Studio top. It makes me feel pretty. ( :

Can you tell that my favorite color is black?!

Other than that, it was 1989 when I was 15. That summer I worked in an office - nepotism alive and kicking! I also finished my last year in private school (Praise God). I was excited to start my junior year in public school. I was also nervous because my new high school was HUGE with an enormous population - something I was not used to.

In the spirit of Christmas, I'll identify fifteen by the following:

15 Things I Bought/Will Buy For Christmas (For Myself and Others)
1. A laptop (bought for Mr. 47)
2. A Powerbook (will buy for me in Vegas - notice how it's a Powerbook and NOT a laptop...yeah, I knew you would see it too)
3. A MiniDV Camcorder
4. 2 Nintendo DS systems + 5 games total (bought for my two awesomely handsome and charming boys)
5. An entire Roxy get-up x2, complete with braided bracelets, a Roxy belt, a Roxy bag, and Roxy slippers
6. Cars, cars, cars in different shapes and types
7. Guam tees for the kiddos
8. An iPod (bought for Mr. 47, but unshipped as of yet)
9. Christmas gifts for the Guam family I've left behind (will buy when I'm in LV and WA)
10. Size 11 O'Neill & Quiksilver slippers (bought for amazingly huge feet...you know what they say, big feet=bigger shoes)
11. A Hello Kitty Manicure Set (for me and my sidekick to have fun)
12. Books about Guam (bought for the kiddos to learn more about themselves)
13. A black leather Coach duffel bag (bought for myself as an early Christmas gift)
14. A Christmas card for Ranger Red (ha, I'm so thoughtful with that one...I know he'll love it, though - SERIOUSLY)
15. Goodies for the Secret Santa going on at work including: orchids, Godiva chocolates, cards, a Nativity set, glass ornament

Alright, I know there's more than fifteen on that list, but I'm in the mood to give just a little bit more.

2005-12-11T19:18:00.000+10:00

Today Involved My Mom

I haven't blogged about the special man in my life and if it's what I foresee, I probably won't get much feedback about this, but that's not why I keep him tucked away. He's sacred territory to me and although I do bring him up every so often, there are just some things I won't divulge (ha, who am I kidding - he's all over this place)!

Today was different. Today involved my mom.

As my mom and I are waiting for our lunch orders, I'm talking to Mr. 47 on my cell phone. He and I were laughing away when my mom asks to speak to him. This isn't the first, or the second, or the third time they've spoken so this wasn't a biggie.

She then begins to ask the most embarrassing question that at my age of 31, made me feel as if I was back in 8th grade....

"Mr. 47, I am going to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me. I have always been honest with you. Are you falling in love with my daughter?" Point blank. No holds barred. Ramrodded it right down there...

Of course, me sitting across the table from her, I slowly begin the great descent of shame by saying,

"Oh, my God, mom, I can't believe you just asked him that."

I couldn't remember much after that, just that there was a lot of laughing and head-hiding in between my trying to drink punch through a straw without it finding it's way out my nose. I never heard what he said and even after she gave the phone back to me, I was afraid/nervous/ashamed/laughing - pick one.

She then says to me,

"That's all I wanted to know."

Everything gets cloudy after that but, Mr. 47 and I eventually said our goodbyes and my mom and I continued on. We ate and then went to one of my most favorite places here - the bookstore. I'm getting my bookstore fix, my mom's browsing, I grab my essentials, and we proceed out the door. As we're driving home, mom asks,

"Does Mr. 47 like to read?"

My response,

"Mom, DOES Mr. 47 like to read? That's like asking if Hugh Hefner likes playing with the Playboy bunnies...that's like asking does Donald Trump have...."

Yeah, I stopped short because I knew she wouldn't get the correlation. So I just said,

"Mom, he LOVES to read. He's also a great writer. He blogs. He got me into blogging so, now we both write. But yes, he is a keeper, oh, I mean, reader...yeah, reader."

She continues with,

"Well, I was thinking of getting him "__________________" because I saw it there at the bookstore and I thought of him."

A KAGAMAZILLION things were running through my head.....first one being, 'HOLY SHIT. DID MY MOM JUST SAY OUT LOUD THAT SHE WAS GOING TO GET HIM A GIFT?'

Ok, where is my mother and what did you do with her? My mom has NEVER bought anything for any man I have ever been with. And she's going to buy THIS guy something? I think he's got some voodoo magic on her 'cause his concoction is working well on me already (and I say that with the MOST LOVINGEST of thoughts).....

It's either that or what he told her really hit home. See, mom has seen me at my worst and through my worst. She too has been there herself. Honestly, it's because of her class, humbled sophistication, poise and her instilled beliefs that I am, in part, who I am now. How she handled a heartbreaking divorce, a betrayal of the utmost definition, and the rejection of her eternal loyalty all proved to me that at her weakest of times, she embraced her strength. Although down and out, in silent pain and quiet suffering, my mom continued to live life. She did not give up. Her faith sustained her. And she loved again.

So for a man to tell my mother that he is "absolutely" in love with me comforted all the doubts and fears she would never want for me to carry, even though she knows I have already been down that road. And I think her way of accepting the love I have for him and acknowledging that he IS good for me, she decided to buy him a gift.

She has become a part of what I keep very, very close to my heart...him.

Today was different. Today involved my mom.

2005-12-11T08:39:00.000+10:00

The Eyes...

"...if I could write with the beauty of her eyes, I was born to look in them and know myself." ~Willliam, Shakespeare In Love

In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel

Love, I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes

This weekend, I was wrapped around the movies, Say Anything and Shakespeare In Love. Incidentally at the start of the weekend, I received Ben Harper's acoustic version of "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

Do you think someone's trying to tell me something? I'm such a believer in signs...

Signs, signs, everywhere signs...

2005-12-10T07:48:00.000+10:00

16...

For most girls where I live, it's the "Sweet Sixteen" bit. So mine went like this...

My parents surprised me with a dinner with friends in a small banquet room at the then Pacific Star Hotel (now known as the Marriott). We had a sit down dinner in a private room with about ten of my closest friends...no family (except Mom, Dad, and Brother). Since I didn't know about this, I wasn't able to tell my gf's about wanting the guy I like to be there (he was a twin AND a rocker....ok, remember, this was 1990). So, eventually my gf's tried to get him to come to the formal dinner (they called him) but he was too embarrassed seeing as how it was a "formal" event (code for parents are there so, NOOOOO way).

Needless to say, I was bummed 'cause he didn't have balls. Was my 16 sweet? Depends...

That weekend, my friends decided we NEEDED to go to the beach (since when did we EVER decide to go to the beach? It was something we always eventually did without having to make a conscious decision). And of all beaches....Family Beach.

Um, hello, where we live, Family Beach is soooooooo out of the way.

The whole time I'm wondering, 'Who's bright idea is this to go all the way to Family Beach when we are passing like 40,000 other beaches on the way there? And we don't need a gigantic beach site like Family for a truckload of us.'

(7 in the cab, 3 in the bed - I know, it should've been the opposite, but when you live where I live, and you're a teen, and you're a girl - AIN'T NO WAY YOU'D BE CAUGHT SEEN IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK)!

Well, it's 12:30 p.m., we're rolling down to Family Beach, music's blaring, we've got our sunglasses on, breaking out the cool looks...we are on top!

As we're pulling in to the beach, I'm thinking, 'Guys, there's a party going on here. We can't crash. Hell, I'm not going to unload our stuff when there might be cute guys lurking.'

My friend Chris turns to me and says, "Will you stop being a pooper. Gosh, we're not crashing. Let's just check it out first before we unload."

So we all get out, check ourselves and they all want to walk in before me. Well, of course, I'm too ashamed to let people know that I know we're crashing a party. But then I look around and I see some familiar faces...too familiar.

I see my aunt, my cousin, my other cousin, her baby, my uncle...

Then I'm thinking...My family had a party and didn't tell MY family about it and here I am walking in...for shame, for shame.

Then I see my friends from high school...the other football players, my friends who dance HOT,....'hey, I know the DJ.'

WAIT....

I see my MOM.

What?

She comes up to me...she's crying...

I'M LOST.

Then my cousin comes up from behind and says,

SURPRISE! HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN!

Yeah, my Sweet Sixteen was alright.

2005-12-09T12:29:00.000+10:00

I had just turned 17 when I graduated from high school.

I started my first "real" relationship at 17.

I started college at 17.

I got my first real job at 17.

I lost my virginity at 17.

I moved into the garage room at 17.

I started fully clubbing at 17.

I had to grow up a lot at 17.

...Late bloomer...

2005-12-08T09:29:00.000+10:00

...The accepted legal age to do just about anything here on the rock.

...How many years my parents were married before they separated.
...How old I was when my parents separated. (Yup, do the math)
...Roughly, about how many months my marriage lasted (give or take 3 months) after being together for 6 years. (Yup, do the math)

...But really, Pairs of socks in my drawer - I bought a couple of pairs on my last shopping spree (yesterday) and strangely enough, the number fit. I threw some oldies out but some I can't part with, even though they're definitely worn out. I've got different colors but majority are black, white and light brown. I've got several striped pairs. I like my trouser socks (STOP LAUGHING) and I've got 2 pairs I've only worn once because they're TOO DARN thick for the weather here. I've got socks with tiny toe compartments. I've got socks with Japanese hiragana written all over 'em...no not kanji or katakana either! I've even got my son's baby socks! Socks, socks, socks....

2005-12-07T12:51:00.000+10:00

...nineteen...

It was 19 years ago...

Klymaxx
soft
firsts
different
popular
smart
12
Force MDs
LoveStruck
wild
kisses
new
strict
cutting
initials
neighbors
heartache
chances
destiny

19 words to describe nineteen years ago. We had our time then. No words can fully capture 19 days from now...

We'll have our time now.

2005-12-06T11:53:00.000+10:00

20...

Here are the 20 Things-I'd-Like-To-Do-Now-That-I-Have-Found(?)-Myself List...in no particular order

1) Learn sign language
2) Take a mechanics class
3) Sky dive
4) To blow and make glass
5) Read the entire Bible, from cover to cover
6) Learn how to swim
7) Take a culinary/cooking course
8) Take formal dancing lessons
9) Learn how to play an instrument
10) Watch an NFL game LIVE
11) Take a photography class
12) Dance in the rain...naked
13) Learn how to fly a plane/helicopter
14) Buy a cafe bike
15) Learn how to say the entire Holy Rosary in my native language
16) See, touch and lay in snow
17) Get a PH.D.
18) Learn a martial art
19) Run in a marathon
20) Have sex in an airplane

2005-12-05T22:10:00.000+10:00

21...

How old I was when I first graduated from college with a BA in Elementary Education. It's also how old I was when I became a teacher. Let me just state for the record...no matter what I learned in all the four years I devoted to preparing myself for the classroom, NOTHING in those college years fully prepared me for the day I stepped into that classroom... Believe you me, I only got a glimpse. But I wouldn't change it for anything...

2005-12-04T11:58:00.000+10:00

22...

The number of different bangles, bracelets and girly things I attach to my wrists. I think there's even more but they're boxed away. So this is what's actually on my dresser...

2005-12-03T09:42:00.000+10:00

23...

I can say this is Michael Jordan's jersey number right, and get away with it, yes?!?!

23 -- Consecutive points Jordan scored against Atlanta on March 16, 1987. Jordan finished with 61 points, which was one of four times he topped the 60-point mark.

Ok, so that wasn't original but here...this is my 23...

The number of inches my TV screen is. It's a Panasonic 23" Flat panel LCD TV, Model TC-23LX50. I'm planning on relocating the wall of photos to the other wall so I can hang my TV but my living room isn't large enough that it warrants a hanging.

2005-12-02T23:58:00.000+10:00

24...

The number of photos of family and friends that colllage my tribute wall. Spontaneous and not-so-candid rehearsed shots scale one of my once barren and white living room walls. I pay tribute to the good times, the bad times, and the friends who want to be left behind. I celebrate our friendship by capturing us and keeping our memories frozen in squares, rectangles and peek-a-boo slits in time.

My most treasured are at the center of my shrine. One is a framed mold of my son's feet at four months of age, painted by a gold/bronze dip. The other is a black and white photo I took of my son looking on to the horizon at Tarague Beach. He's standing off center in the shot. I'm standing behind him and he's not aware that I'm about to take a photo of him throwing a rock into the ocean.

I had a defining moment watching him looking to the horizon, about to throw that rock.

I looked at our past in that rock, our future in that horizon, and his intense gaze into the water....

As I’m looking at it now, I think it’s time for an update...

Send me pictures of yourselves - you are all a part of my life folks! (:

2005-12-02T23:29:00.000+10:00

Bakesale Organizer
You are 70% mature, 84% kind, 80% brilliant and 30% healthy.

You handle responsibility really well, do nice things for others, and are actually pretty smart! However, you're a bit, well, teddybear-esque. But that's ok! You'll die young, but at least you found clever ways to be nice to other people. I like you anyway, you know?

I took this survey linked on Sabledawn's blog, and while I don't have an issue with any of the others, I do have a problem with only being 30% healthy. Are they talking physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? If it's physically, I can understand. I love sweets... My family tells me I look nothing like I used to...before I had my son I was never heavier than 127 lbs. I know that I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually far more stable than just a mere 30%. And only being 80% brilliant, YOU DON'T WANT TO HASH IT OUT WITH ME ON WHAT I THINK ABOUT GAUGING OR DEFINING INTELLIGENCE! So, I'm not so inclined to be offended by being only 80% of something as vague as brilliance.

And truth be told, yes, I genuinely have a hard time saying no to others. But if you've spoken to me in the last few days, I think you'd find my kindness is definitely not a weakness - not by a long shot!

According to a website (at this very moment, I am searching for it), I will die on May 25, 2052. Now I know better than to believe that malarky (?), but wouldn't that be an interesting piece of information to know about yourself? Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do if I knew the exact day and time of my death.

And thanks to Sabledawn for showing me the way...to this "enlightenment".

2005-12-01T12:29:00.000+10:00

25...

1/4 of everything
A quarter of any life

...The price I pay for a pedicure, plus the tip. If he (sometimes it's a she) does a good job, I pay even more. They know me at Hollywood Nails and at Sunny's (the places I frequent for a pampering of the pedalers). My most common treat is a French manicure with a twist...it's not often white tipped. Sometimes, when I'm in a girly girly mood, I ask them to put on a cute flower...

2005-12-01T08:29:00.001+10:00

Santa To Parenthood

The other night Busy Innocence and I lay in bed getting ready for his journey into Lala land. He decided it was time for him to pray and so I let him begin…

In DA name OFF DA FADER, and OFF DA son and OFF DA holy SPEERIT, AHMEN. Angel OFF God, my GARDEN dear, to WHO GOTS love ENCRUSTS me here, EVER this day, be at my SIGHT, to light, to RULE, to RULE, and guide. AHMEN.

He continued with…

Dear God, thank you for today. Thank you for my classmates and my teacher. Thank you for playing in the playground. Thank you for the playground. Thank you for eating. Thank you for taking a nap. Thank you for Santa Claus. Mommy, what’s the name of the lady Santa Claus?

That would be Mrs. Claus.

Oh, thank you for Mrs. Claus. Mom, when Santa and the lady Santa come I can tell them I prayed for them.

Yes son, you sure can. Now continue praying.

Thank you for Niko (his classmate) but he said he’s not my friend tomorrow, ok.

Now who are you going to say your prayers for tonight?

God bless Daddy, Mommy, me, my brothers and sister, my grandmas and grandpas, aunties, uncles, and cousins. Uncle Red Ranger, Uncle Mook, Mr. 47, the Rockstars, and Dozo (Little Uncle’s dog).

Are you done?

Yup. Good night Mommy. I love you. Pleasant dreams.

Pleasant dreams son. I love you more.

Sometimes I wonder what goes through his delicate mind. At 4, it’s hard for me to see the world through his eyes. We had an episode earlier tonight and it made me question my parenting. Luckily, I had Mr.47 there with me through it all. *Thank you*

Although I’ve received my Masters in Counseling, no amount of formal education has truly prepared me for single parenthood, or parenthood, in general. I feel as if I’ve tried everything possible to raise a confident, self-guided, compassionate gentleman and yet I’m still coming up 200 bucks short. Tonight my son tested his boundaries, threw in the power check for color, and mixed in a dash of sass all because he couldn’t deal with the fact that he wasn’t going to get his way.

I’ve tried every known approach to confronting the situation at hand but without his help (or ANY help for that matter) I was traveling down this diplomatic road alone. And quite frankly I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m mentally drained from raising my little man ALONE. I’m tired of being the bad guy, the “ruiner”, the indecisive disciplinarian. Often times I wish my son’s father would take on a more concerted effort or a more visible presence that just the monthly monetary impression and bi-weekly visit.

Which brings me to the conversation I had with F O C (pronounced F*ck aka as Father Of Child)…

I finally told him I was tired of creating colorful excuses for his repetitive absence and encouraging the Godlike image in my son’s mind while I succumbed to the ranks of evil punisher. I told him about the Thanksgiving that was saturated with my son’s broken heart (all involving the fact that his dad didn’t care to spend time with him on Thanksgiving Day)…to the point where my son didn’t want to thank God for any of our blessings. F O Cs reply was

Oh.

A plain, colorless,s simple, monosyllabic oh.

No feeling, no heart.

It’s the painful realization that my son needs a positive male role model/father figure in his life. It’s knowing that no matter how much I know I’m the better parent, no amount of support on my part is not enough to keep the peace. It’s seeing that you can’t prevent the emotional pain other people inflict on your children. It’s understanding that no matter how many times your children’s dreams are shattered, it means you helping pick up the pieces time after time, no matter how many tears you shed in the process. It means giving more of yourself that you ever though you had in you.

But at the end of the day, looking at his smile makes all this still worth it.

2005-11-30T23:01:00.000+10:00

26...

How old I was when I got married...and pregnant. I turned 26 earlier in the year, and 3 months later, I became Mrs. Oh So Wonderful. About four months after I got married, on Halloween night, I took a home pregnancy test and the results came before I even put the stick down. Seriously. I was that pregnant...

The million dollar question: Based on the given information, on what month was I born?

Ok, now, I'm just kidding about that. There really is no need for you to answer...(:

2005-11-29T21:49:00.000+10:00

27...

The number of milk and juice boxes in my kitchen cabinet.

We've got regular milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, grape juice, kiwi/strawberry juice, strawberry juice, Gatorade boxes, and cherry juice. My son doesn't do orange or apple - his stomach prefers me to spend much more money on the not-so-popular juices. My son's daycare provides lunch. We just have to add the snack and drinks. So I've got an entire cabinet devoted to juice, milk and a gold mine of snacks.

It gets hard to resist sometimes...

2005-11-28T19:16:00.000+10:00

28...

The number of magnets on my refrigerator.

Ok, so I have a son - his mural of school work paints itself on my egg white refrigerator. I was never one to have ANY magnets on my fridge pre-Motherhood days, but I've gone soft since I saw that my son can actually draw "himself".

And my fellow guest blogger below, Evil PUNKET Zoo, decided to come up with his take on what 28 meant to him...I'll just leave it at that.

I thought it was a cool idea that he had in mind....

28 on the 28th...the coolest!

Seacrest out....Sorry, I've always wanted to write that. (:

2005-11-28T19:12:00.000+10:00

28...the number of photo ops (at least) I plan on creating for Beast!